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He's a serious mister
Shake his hand and he'll twist your arm

With Monopoly money
We'll be buying the funny farm

So I'll do flips and get paid in chips
From a diamond as big as the Ritz
Then I'm calling it quits
Calling it quits

Eyes the color of candy
Lies to cover the handicap

Though your slippers are ruby
You'll be led to the booby trap

And there's no prize, just a smaller size
So I'm wearing the shoe 'til it fits
Then I'm calling it quits
Yes, I'm calling it quits
Yes, I'm calling it quits
Now he's numbering himself among the masterminds
Calling it quits
'Cause he's hit upon the leverage of valentines
Calling it quits
Lifting dialogue from Judy Garland story lines
Where get-tough girls turn into goldmines
But, oh, those Polaroid babies
Taking chances with rabies
Happy to tear me to bits
Well, I'm calling it quits
Yes, I'm calling it quits
Yes, I'm calling it quits
Yes, I'm calling it quits
Yes, I'm calling it
Now he's numbering himself among the masterminds
Yes, I'm calling it
'Cause he's hit upon the leverage of valentines
Yes, I'm calling it
Now he's numbering himself among the masterminds

'Cause he's hit upon the leverage of valentines