Trump Offers Hunter Biden Job In Energy Department Based On Oil Industry Experience

Today 12:06PM

 

 

WASHINGTON—Touting his impressive record of serving on the board of a notable natural gas company, President Donald Trump offered Hunter Biden a job in the U.S. Department of Energy Monday based on his experience in the oil industry. “Given his unparalleled background in this sector, I am pleased to have Hunter Biden joining the Energy Department as the new Deputy Secretary for the Office of International Affairs,” said Trump, explaining that Biden’s long list of contacts with major Eastern European petroleum firms would be indispensable in promoting the administration’s interests as they pursue energy contracts abroad. “Hunter grew up in politics, so he’s primed for the job, and he came very highly recommended by several big-time energy executives. He’s a really great guy who knows how to get things done in this business. Hunter will start tomorrow, getting right to work securing the best deals possible for the American people.” At press time, Trump nominated Hunter Biden to replace a retiring Rick Perry as energy secretary at the end of the year.

White House Denies CIA Teleported Obama to Mars

Forget Kenya. Never mind the secret madrassas. The sinister, shocking truth about Barack Obama's past lies not in east Africa, but in outer space. As a young man in the early 1980s, Obama was part of a secret CIA project to explore Mars. The future president teleported there, along with the future head of Darpa.

That's the assertion, at least, of a pair of self-proclaimed time-traveling, universe-exploring government agents. Andrew D. Basiago and William Stillings insist that they once served as "chrononauts" at Darpa's behest, traversing the boundaries of time and space. They swear: A youthful Barack Obama was one of them.

Perhaps this all sounds fantastical, absurd, and more than a little nuts. We couldn't agree more. That's one of the reasons we love conspiracy theories - the more awesomely insane, the better. Each week during 2012, when the Mayans tell us to expect the apocalypse, Danger Room will peel back a new layer of crazy to expose those oh-so-cleverly hidden machinations powering this doomed plane of existence. Welcome - back - to Tinfoil Tuesday.

According to Basiago and Stillings, Obama isn't just lying about his identity. He's lying about his military service record, too. While his political opponents in 2008 attacked him for never serving, in truth, he was concealing his participation in a hidden CIA intergalactic program hosted at a California community college in 1980.

Officially, the White House says Obama never went to Mars. "Only if you count watching Marvin the Martian," Tommy Vietor, the spokesman for the National Security Council, tells Danger Room. But that's exactly what a secret chrononaut wants you to believe.

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