An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1:00 A.M.
 
He is asked where he is going at this time of night.
 
The old man replies,

 
"I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body".

 
The officer then asks,

 
"Really?

 
Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

 
The man replies,

 
"My wife."

 miamizsun wrote: 
Not only ethnic but what a long set up!

ethnic humor

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian, an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, 47 Africans and Manbird walk into a fine restaurant....

"I'm sorry," said the maître d', scrutinized the group one by one and barred their entrance saying "sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai."

The trouser game reminded me of this joke:

A man is at the beach and he notices another guy with women fawning all over him.  He can't figure out why this guy is having so much luck even though they are very similar.  Later he approaches the man and asks him what his secret is.

The man responds:
"Well, you just need to do what I do. Get a potato"
"A potato!" the other man protests. "What do I do with the potoato!"
"Well put it in your bathing suit!" the casanova replies.
"My suit?" the desparate man asks.
"Yes, it works like a charm."

So the next day at the beach the man shows up with a potato in his bathing suit.  To his dismay the women are still ignoring him.
Finally, not being able to take it anymore he marches over to the other man and pulls him aside.

"Listen, I did what you said and put a potato in my suit and it didn't work - what gives?"
 
"Well" said the other man, it's better if you put it in the front.

NAVY / USMC /USCG ARMY AIR FORCE Head Latrine Powder Room Rack Bunk Single with ruffle and duvet Mess Deck / Chow Hall Mess Hall / Mess Tent Dining Facility or 'The Cafe' 'Cookie', stew burner Mess Cook Contract Chef Coffee / Mud Cup of Joe Vanilla Skim Latte' Bug Juice Kool-Aid Shirley Temple Utilities / Digitals BDUs / ACUs Casual Wear Seaman / Private Private Bobby / Jimmy Chief / Gunny Sergeant Bob / Jim Captain / Skipper Colonel Robert / James Captain's Mast Article 15 Time Out Berthing / Barracks Barracks Apartment Skivvies / U-Trau Underwear Undies Thrown in the Brig Put in Confinement Grounded Zoom Bag Flight Suit Business Casual Cover / Head Gear Beret Optional Ship's Store / NEX PX  (PX Trailer) AAFES  Shopping Mall TAD TDY PCS with family Cruise / Afloat Deploy Huh? Ground Grabbers Athletic Shoes Flip-Flops Die for your Country Die for your Battle Buddy Die for Air Conditioning Shipmate / Marine Battle Buddy Don't Ask, Don't Tell or Honey Terminate /  Kill Take Out Back on Base for Happy Hour Boon Dockers Jump Boots Birkenstocks Low Quarters Low Quarters Patent Leather Pumps SEAL SF/Ranger Librarian Shore Patrol / MPs MPs SF Oouh-Rah! Hoo-ah! Hip-Hip hurray! MRE MRE Happy Meal To Go Salute Salute Wave Obstacle Course Confidence Course Class 6 Parking Lot Grinder / Drill Field Parade Field What? Ge-Dunk Snack Bar Chuck E. Cheese PT Test APFT 'No conversion available' Dept. Of the Navy DoD DoD Lite Midshipman Cadet Debutante Hard-Core Strak 'Way Too Serious'

Explanation - The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, take the simple phrase "secure the building". The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to bu

 hippiechick wrote:  I suspect he didn't WANT it.

Some interviewer told the Dalai Lama this joke:

A Buddhist monk walked into a pizza shop and said "Could you make me one with everything?"

The Dalai Lama didn't get it.

The Funniest Joke Ever Told - NOT!

 

oh no, my knee is bleeding now.

 Manbird wrote: 
I thought the same. just how deep words can be if you don't say them.

 NoEnzLefttoSplit wrote: 
Wow. Just wow. 

 Manbird wrote: 
 just because

 NoEnzLefttoSplit wrote: 
All words are stupid. They're beety about the neck and spine and reign down on thou with blows of terror. 

 Manbird wrote: 
I like the word because.

 NoEnzLefttoSplit wrote: 
It's funny because it's what we're all thinking except OV. 

 Manbird wrote: 
I like the bit about the dental floss and the opera singer.

An old guy, not in the best of shape.... was working out in the gym when he spotted a sexy and beautiful young Woman.
He asked the nearby trainer, "What machine should I use in here to impress that cute young thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I'd try the ATM in the lobby."

• • • MONEY • • •

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. 

Approaching the friend he says, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" 

"My mother died in August and left me $25,000." 

"Gee, that's tough," he replied. 

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000." 

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." 

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." 

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." 

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!" 

 Manbird wrote:  

I  know you'll be fine! I see something fantastic in your future. 

 Coaxial wrote: 
I tell people that because I don't want them wearing my fleece lined slippers when I'm gone.