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Bad Poetry - oldviolin - Sep 18, 2020 - 11:05am
 
2020 Elections - miamizsun - Sep 18, 2020 - 10:44am
 
Trump - Lazy8 - Sep 18, 2020 - 10:25am
 
Private messages in a public forum - oldviolin - Sep 18, 2020 - 10:21am
 
honk if you think manbird and OV are one and the same ent... - oldviolin - Sep 18, 2020 - 10:14am
 
Buddy's Haven - oldviolin - Sep 18, 2020 - 9:14am
 
Radio Paradise Comments - oldviolin - Sep 18, 2020 - 8:57am
 
COVID-19 - ScottFromWyoming - Sep 18, 2020 - 8:54am
 
What The Hell Buddy? - oldviolin - Sep 18, 2020 - 8:10am
 
Mixtape Culture Club - ColdMiser - Sep 18, 2020 - 7:41am
 
Drop the Puck! NHL Lockout Ends! - black321 - Sep 18, 2020 - 6:06am
 
Things You Thought Today - miamizsun - Sep 18, 2020 - 5:43am
 
Today in History - Ohmsen - Sep 18, 2020 - 5:26am
 
Climate Change - kcar - Sep 18, 2020 - 3:40am
 
Anti-War - Ohmsen - Sep 18, 2020 - 12:11am
 
Bug Reports & Feature Requests - gtufano - Sep 17, 2020 - 11:36pm
 
Cryptic Posts - Leave Them Guessing - oldviolin - Sep 17, 2020 - 9:04pm
 
Signs o' the Apocalypse in the news... - Steely_D - Sep 17, 2020 - 6:57pm
 
Soliciting ideas to bring about a more humane world - miamizsun - Sep 17, 2020 - 5:06pm
 
Strips, cartoons, illustrations - Red_Dragon - Sep 17, 2020 - 4:36pm
 
Rock Movies/Documentaries - Steely_D - Sep 17, 2020 - 1:39pm
 
Favorite Quotes - oldviolin - Sep 17, 2020 - 12:06pm
 
HALF A WORLD - oldviolin - Sep 17, 2020 - 11:57am
 
What are you listening to now? - oldviolin - Sep 17, 2020 - 11:53am
 
Live Music - oldviolin - Sep 17, 2020 - 11:49am
 
• • • The Once-a-Day • • •  - oldviolin - Sep 17, 2020 - 11:43am
 
Name My Band - oldviolin - Sep 17, 2020 - 11:39am
 
Women in the World - miamizsun - Sep 17, 2020 - 11:02am
 
More Stuff Schlabby Doesn't Do - oldviolin - Sep 17, 2020 - 9:57am
 
Nina Simone... - Proclivities - Sep 17, 2020 - 8:42am
 
Brass Against? - jamesat43 - Sep 17, 2020 - 8:13am
 
Helpful emergency signs - Proclivities - Sep 17, 2020 - 7:38am
 
Counting with Pictures - Proclivities - Sep 17, 2020 - 6:59am
 
Radio Paradise NFL Pick'em Group - Proclivities - Sep 17, 2020 - 6:39am
 
Breaking Bad - sirdroseph - Sep 17, 2020 - 5:55am
 
Economix - R_P - Sep 16, 2020 - 11:56pm
 
Trump Lies - R_P - Sep 16, 2020 - 9:05pm
 
260,000 Posts in one thread? - oldviolin - Sep 16, 2020 - 8:22pm
 
Environment - R_P - Sep 16, 2020 - 5:33pm
 
Baseball, anyone? - kcar - Sep 16, 2020 - 5:29pm
 
Fires - haresfur - Sep 16, 2020 - 5:07pm
 
Those Lovable Policemen - Steely_D - Sep 16, 2020 - 5:01pm
 
Annoying stuff. not things that piss you off, just annoyi... - Steely_D - Sep 16, 2020 - 12:47pm
 
Facebook Tips - ScottFromWyoming - Sep 16, 2020 - 9:32am
 
Silence? - ScottFromWyoming - Sep 16, 2020 - 9:28am
 
Regarding cats - sirdroseph - Sep 16, 2020 - 8:42am
 
Is there any GOOD news out there? - kcar - Sep 16, 2020 - 4:24am
 
Trade War - R_P - Sep 15, 2020 - 8:13pm
 
Outstanding Covers - Ohmsen - Sep 15, 2020 - 2:20pm
 
• • • What Makes You Happy? • • •  - Antigone - Sep 15, 2020 - 11:46am
 
Play the Blues - sirdroseph - Sep 15, 2020 - 5:47am
 
Strange signs, marquees, billboards, etc. - haresfur - Sep 14, 2020 - 6:51pm
 
punk? hip-hop? metal? noise? garage? - rhahl - Sep 14, 2020 - 2:02pm
 
Geeky Jokes - Proclivities - Sep 14, 2020 - 1:11pm
 
Guns - R_P - Sep 14, 2020 - 12:44pm
 
Help Wanted! - ScottFromWyoming - Sep 14, 2020 - 9:57am
 
hurricane relief - miamizsun - Sep 14, 2020 - 9:31am
 
You really put butter on the hot dog? - ScottFromWyoming - Sep 14, 2020 - 8:56am
 
Bear! - Ohmsen - Sep 14, 2020 - 7:37am
 
YouTube: Music-Videos - R_P - Sep 13, 2020 - 9:53pm
 
Calling DIY'ers... in re: electrical wiring... - kcar - Sep 13, 2020 - 5:49pm
 
Commercializing Facebook - Ohmsen - Sep 13, 2020 - 11:14am
 
All Dogs Go To Heaven - Dog Pix - Coaxial - Sep 13, 2020 - 10:29am
 
The Obituary Page - islander - Sep 13, 2020 - 8:51am
 
Movie rental suggestions & reviews - Netflix or Blockbuster - Ohmsen - Sep 13, 2020 - 7:45am
 
TV shows you watch - Ohmsen - Sep 13, 2020 - 6:23am
 
Vinyl Only Spin List - kurtster - Sep 12, 2020 - 10:14pm
 
RP in the uk - BillG - Sep 12, 2020 - 6:53pm
 
RightWingNutZ - R_P - Sep 12, 2020 - 12:29pm
 
TMI - Steely_D - Sep 12, 2020 - 11:10am
 
Reinstock '05 Link Repository - KurtfromLaQuinta - Sep 12, 2020 - 8:58am
 
The American Dream - Red_Dragon - Sep 12, 2020 - 6:04am
 
Pernicious Pious Proclivities Particularized Prodigiously - R_P - Sep 11, 2020 - 7:11pm
 
2024 Elections! - KarmaKarma - Sep 11, 2020 - 6:58pm
 
Race in America - R_P - Sep 11, 2020 - 6:23pm
 
Index » Radio Paradise/General » General Discussion » ~ Have a good joke you can post? ~ Page: 1, 2, 3 ... 309, 310, 311  Next
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whatshisname

whatshisname Avatar

Location: West OZ


Posted: Apr 12, 2020 - 3:42am

Anyone else noticed many bookshops are giving away 2020 diaries for free ?
black321

black321 Avatar

Location: An earth without maps
Gender: Male


Posted: Apr 10, 2020 - 4:47pm

An old engineer’s time is up and he duly reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his file and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place." So the engineer heads back down, checks in at the gates of hell and is let right in. Pretty soon, he gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. Despite the large number of program managers, purchasing agents and financial controllers there - where else can they go? - everything goes smoothly. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a popular man. He settles comfortably back into his old profession - hardly anything has changed from back on earth, except the boss appreciates him now, and the working conditions are better.

One day God calls Satan on the telephone and asks, a little smugly, it must be said, "How are things down there in hell?" Satan replies, "It's going pretty well. We have air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No chance! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs his head off and answers, "Aye, right - and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

Steely_D

Steely_D Avatar

Location: Biscayne Bay
Gender: Male


Posted: Feb 10, 2020 - 10:40pm

I was just at a restaurant the other night. Paid $20K for a tasting menu, and for dessert they had a trained peacock regurgitate directly into my mouth.

It was okay, but frankly I've had $10K meals that tasted just as good.

SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Apr 5, 2019 - 1:10pm

A man gets on the train. He goes to the train conductor and says, "I need to get off in Philadelphia. I am so tired I just know I will fall asleep. Could you please make sure I get off in Philadelphia? Will you wake me up? I haven't slept in 2 days, so I may wake up cranky and give you a hard time, but please PLEASE make sure I get off in Philadelphia. Even if you have to throw me out. Will you do that, please? " The conductor says, "No problem, sir. I'll make sure you get off in Philadelphia."

So the guy wakes up. The train is stopped. He is in New York. He is livid! Furious, he goes after the conductor. It took three guys to hold him off and throw him out the train. A lady who watched the whole thing, turned to the conductor and said, "Boy was that man ever angry". The conductor said, "Ya...well, you should have seen the man we threw off the train in Philadelphia"
SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Mar 1, 2019 - 12:39pm

A Newfie won a fishing boat in a raffle and tows it home. His wife looks at him and says, "What in the name o' Lard Jasus are you gonna do with dat, bye? We lives on a farm. There's nary a bit o' water within 75 miles o' 'ere."

He says, "Don't care. I won 'er and I'm gonna keep 'er."

Several days later the Newfie's brother comes over to visit. He looks out in the field behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a fishing boat in the middle of the field with a fishing rod in his hand.He stands at the edge of the field and yells out to him, "What the frig are you doin'?"

His brother calls back, "I'm fishin'. What the frig does it look like I'ma doin'?"

His brother yells back, "Lard tunderin' my son, it's people like yout hat gives Newfies a bad name, making everyone think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick you in the friggin arse."
pigtail

pigtail Avatar

Location: Southern California
Gender: Female


Posted: Jan 7, 2019 - 9:45am



 KurtfromLaQuinta wrote:
Three women all die in a car crash and go to Heaven on the same day. They are waiting at the pearly gates when St. Peter arrives and greets them.

“Welcome to Heaven, ladies. There is only one rule here in Heaven: don’t step on the ducks.”

The women each look at each other with confusion. St. Peter opens the gate and sure enough, there are thousands of tiny ducks covering the ground.

The first woman goes in and lasts a week before stepping on a duck. St. Peter appears out of nowhere with the ugliest man she has ever seen and handcuffs them together.

He says, “This is your punishment for stepping on a duck. You are now stuck with this man for all eternity,” and disappears.

The second woman lasts for a month before finally stepping on a duck. The same thing happens again. St. Peter arrives with the ugliest man she has ever seen, handcuffs them together, explains what has happened and leaves.

The third woman continues to enjoy Heaven for years and years, never stepping on a duck. Suddenly, St. Peter pops up out of nowhere with the most gorgeous man she has ever seen. He handcuffs them together, and without saying a word, leaves.

The woman looks up at the man, bats her eyelashes and says, “Gee, I wonder what I did to deserve you.”

He slowly looks down at her and says, “I don’t know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.”
 

Funny......LOL
pigtail

pigtail Avatar

Location: Southern California
Gender: Female


Posted: Jan 7, 2019 - 9:43am



 Proclivities wrote:
A friend of mine told me that she had uttered a Freudian slip while having breakfast with her husband one morning.  She meant to say "Pass the salt", but accidentally said "You've ruined my life you f***ing, a$$hole!"
 

LOL
oldviolin

oldviolin Avatar

Location: esse quam videri
Gender: Male


Posted: Jan 7, 2019 - 8:08am

 westslope wrote:
There are two kinds of men in this world.  Those that are pussy-whipped and those that wish they were pussy-whipped.

 
Ugh. It's complicated...
Proclivities

Proclivities Avatar

Location: Paris of the Piedmont
Gender: Male


Posted: Jan 7, 2019 - 8:05am

A friend of mine told me that she had uttered a Freudian slip while having breakfast with her husband one morning.  She meant to say "Pass the salt", but accidentally said "You've ruined my life you f***ing, a$$hole!"
westslope

westslope Avatar

Location: BC sage brush steppe


Posted: Dec 11, 2018 - 1:52pm

There are two kinds of men in this world.  Those that are pussy-whipped and those that wish they were pussy-whipped.
lowelltr

lowelltr Avatar

Location: Cardinal Nation
Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 11, 2018 - 1:46pm

I told my wife she arched her eyebrows too much.

She seemed surprised.
KurtfromLaQuinta

KurtfromLaQuinta Avatar

Location: Really deep in the heart of South California
Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 10, 2018 - 1:11pm

Three women all die in a car crash and go to Heaven on the same day. They are waiting at the pearly gates when St. Peter arrives and greets them.

“Welcome to Heaven, ladies. There is only one rule here in Heaven: don’t step on the ducks.”

The women each look at each other with confusion. St. Peter opens the gate and sure enough, there are thousands of tiny ducks covering the ground.

The first woman goes in and lasts a week before stepping on a duck. St. Peter appears out of nowhere with the ugliest man she has ever seen and handcuffs them together.

He says, “This is your punishment for stepping on a duck. You are now stuck with this man for all eternity,” and disappears.

The second woman lasts for a month before finally stepping on a duck. The same thing happens again. St. Peter arrives with the ugliest man she has ever seen, handcuffs them together, explains what has happened and leaves.

The third woman continues to enjoy Heaven for years and years, never stepping on a duck. Suddenly, St. Peter pops up out of nowhere with the most gorgeous man she has ever seen. He handcuffs them together, and without saying a word, leaves.

The woman looks up at the man, bats her eyelashes and says, “Gee, I wonder what I did to deserve you.”

He slowly looks down at her and says, “I don’t know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.”
SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Sep 22, 2018 - 12:39pm

Q: What did the blonde say when the doctor told her she was pregnant?
A: Is it mine?


SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Sep 15, 2018 - 10:18am

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."
SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Sep 15, 2018 - 10:13am

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
ScottFromWyoming

ScottFromWyoming Avatar

Location: Powell
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 4, 2018 - 12:02am

"A market researcher said 'can I ask you 10 questions', I said 'go on', she said 'question number 1, have you ever had a blackout?' I said 'no', she went…and finally, question number 10."
oldviolin

oldviolin Avatar

Location: esse quam videri
Gender: Male


Posted: Feb 16, 2018 - 8:20pm

 sdwright wrote:
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
Image result for small head large body


 
Goot one
oldviolin

oldviolin Avatar

Location: esse quam videri
Gender: Male


Posted: Feb 16, 2018 - 8:19pm

 sdwright wrote:
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
Image result for small head large body


 
Boot one
SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Feb 16, 2018 - 5:32pm

I came home from the golf course today. The wife had left a note on the refrigerator:

"IT'S NOT WORKING! I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay with my mother."

I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold...

What the hell she talking about?
SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Jan 14, 2018 - 6:39am

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he's lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."
The man below replies, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."


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