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Index » Radio Paradise/General » General Discussion » ~ Have a good joke you can post? ~ Page: Previous  1, 2, 3, 4 ... 309, 310, 311  Next
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ScottFromWyoming Avatar

Location: Powell
Gender: Male

Posted: May 1, 2016 - 8:50pm

 BlueHeronDruid wrote:

Remind us to tell you about the druid labs Midwest Flaming Squirrel Incident™.


BlueHeronDruid Avatar

Location: planting flowers

Posted: May 1, 2016 - 8:32pm

 ScottFromWyoming wrote:

Still a spectacular piece of radio storytelling.

Remind us to tell you about the druid labs Midwest Flaming Squirrel Incident™.

ScottFromWyoming Avatar

Location: Powell
Gender: Male

Posted: May 1, 2016 - 7:25pm

 aflanigan wrote:

This hoary old chestnut reminded me of this:


Still a spectacular piece of radio storytelling.

aflanigan Avatar

Location: At Sea
Gender: Male

Posted: May 1, 2016 - 4:50pm

 DaveInVA wrote:
The little green snake


This hoary old chestnut reminded me of this:



DaveInVA Avatar

Location: In a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA
Gender: Male

Posted: Apr 30, 2016 - 12:44pm

The little green snake

 A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream. garter on board

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.

By now, the police had arrived.


Breathe here…


They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that’s when he shot her.


DaveInVA Avatar

Location: In a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA
Gender: Male

Posted: Apr 1, 2016 - 6:38am

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.


The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is of course, why we now can enjoy it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more han one of these religions and since people do not belong  to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then Number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is thatsince Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.....

....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a

Divine Being—which explains why, last night, Teresa kept

shouting "Oh my God!"





skyguy Avatar

Location: FOCO
Gender: Male

Posted: Mar 16, 2016 - 4:21pm

Her diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day, so I thought he might be upset that I was late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested we should go someplace to talk. He agreed, but didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong, and he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, and that it didn't have anything to to with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I can't explain why he didn't say he loved me, too. When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing more to do with me. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with the silence all around and between us, I gave up and went to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed, but I still felt he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep—I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His journal:
Motorcycle won't start, can't figure out why.


DaveInVA Avatar

Location: In a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA
Gender: Male

Posted: Nov 15, 2015 - 5:05pm

The Wet Finger

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. I thought to myself,

"I really need a new boat . "


skyguy Avatar

Location: FOCO
Gender: Male

Posted: Oct 28, 2015 - 1:14pm

 Red_Dragon wrote:
Ben Carson has forced us to ask some tough questions. Like, say: have we been overestimating the intelligence of brain surgeons?

well it's not rocket science.

KurtfromLaQuinta Avatar

Location: Really deep in the heart of South California
Gender: Male

Posted: Oct 27, 2015 - 4:59pm

 Red_Dragon wrote:
Ben Carson has forced us to ask some tough questions. Like, say: have we been overestimating the intelligence of brain surgeons?

Well that sounds very racist to me.

GetBakedTonight Avatar

Location: Southern Sweden
Gender: Male

Posted: Oct 26, 2015 - 8:10pm

One day while Groucho Marx, (who loathed pretension), was working in his garden, dressed in well-worn gardening attire, a wealthy woman pulled up in a Cadillac and attempted to persuade the "gardener" to come and work for her.

"How much does the lady of the house pay you?" she asked. "Oh, I don't get paid in dollars," Groucho replied, looking up. "The lady of the house just a lets me sleep with her."

Red_Dragon Avatar

Posted: Oct 26, 2015 - 7:48pm

Ben Carson has forced us to ask some tough questions. Like, say: have we been overestimating the intelligence of brain surgeons?

Alexandra Avatar

Location: PNW
Gender: Female

Posted: Oct 26, 2015 - 7:16pm

Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colors?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

oldviolin Avatar

Location: esse quam videri
Gender: Male

Posted: Oct 18, 2015 - 7:05am

 Manbird wrote:

How much does it weigh?

I'm definitely down with the bacon version.

air199 Avatar

Location: Torquay UK
Gender: Male

Posted: Oct 18, 2015 - 4:28am

In Egypt archaeologists recently unearthed a mummy over a thousand years old, the body was preserved in chocolate and covered in hazelnuts.

After much research they decided he was the original Pharoa Roche!!!!!!!!!!!

Manbird Avatar

Location: Oroville, Ca
Gender: Male

Posted: Oct 17, 2015 - 3:37pm

 Prodigal_SOB wrote:

A man walks into a zoo.
There is only one animal in the entire zoo, and it's a dog.
It's a shih tzu.

How much does it weigh?

ScottFromWyoming Avatar

Location: Powell
Gender: Male

Posted: Oct 17, 2015 - 1:40pm

 pattyw143 wrote:


Laundromat Blues • The 5 Royales 

haresfur Avatar

Location: The Golden Triangle
Gender: Male

Posted: Oct 17, 2015 - 9:23am

 pattyw143 wrote:


pattyw143 Avatar

Location: right where I am suppose to be
Gender: Female

Posted: Oct 17, 2015 - 4:09am


Prodigal_SOB Avatar

Location: Back Home Again in Indiana
Gender: Male

Posted: Sep 14, 2015 - 9:23am

A man walks into a zoo.
There is only one animal in the entire zoo, and it's a dog.
It's a shih tzu.

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