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Index » Radio Paradise/General » General Discussion » Quotes: Your Favorite Comedians Page: Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6  Next
Post to this Topic
K_Love

K_Love Avatar

Gender: Female


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 11:54am

How funny...came here to post my favorite Mitch Hedberg joke and you guys have posted a bunch of 'em!  Here's my fave..

“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".'”


Rod

Rod Avatar

Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 9:10am

Here is a sample of Mitch's work.



geordiezimmerman

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Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 9:06am

Nancy Astor: "Sir, if you were my husband, I would give you poison." 

Churchill: "If I were your husband I would take it."

geordiezimmerman

geordiezimmerman Avatar

Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 9:02am

 phineas wrote:

Same for me — never heard of him. Will YouTube something later.
 
Sadly he died young, just as he was making a name for himself. Drugs, drink, the nornal. 33 I think?

 
He was some weird guy though, strange delivery that takes a while to get used to, always seemed
off his head on something but by all accounts never was on stage, just seemed that way.

I play his stuff a lot still, laugh every time no matter how many time i hear it.



geordiezimmerman

geordiezimmerman Avatar

Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:58am

There has recently been a new Mitch hedberg release called 'Do you believe in gosh?

Not much more exists after that apart from his other main two. All are as funny as you would ever want.

From his latest

If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.

That'd be funny if you were a drummer, and you grabbed two magical wands instead of drumsticks. You're pounding out the beat "1-2-3-4 Oh shit, my Bass Player's now a can of soup... Sorry Rick, I mean Cream of Mushroom!"

 


I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it'd be a jacket


phineas

phineas Avatar



Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:54am

 Alafia wrote:

These are excellent; how is it I've never heard of this person?

 
Same for me — never heard of him. Will YouTube something later.

winter

winter Avatar

Location: in exile, as always
Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:54am

 Rod wrote:
Mitch Hedberg was indeed brilliant!

"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."

"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down."

"My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one is the real hero?"

"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

"I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist."

"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."

"Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'"

"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

Also to the late, great Bill Hicks...{#Clap}  {#Cheers}

 


BAM!

Next question. 
Rod

Rod Avatar

Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:53am

 Alafia wrote:

These are excellent; how is it I've never heard of this person?

 

You can find footage on youtube. His odd delivery was a large part of what made him so funny. I don't think he had a very long career before he died of a drug overdose.
Alafia

Alafia Avatar

Location: the dojo
Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:49am

 Rod wrote:
Mitch Hedberg was indeed brilliant!

"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."

"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down."

"My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one is the real hero?"

"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."



"I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist."

"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."

"Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'"

"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

 
These are excellent; how is it I've never heard of this person?


lily34

lily34 Avatar

Location: GTFO
Gender: Female


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:46am

 Hairfarmer wrote:
"My next door neighbor used to bang on the wall. Since I wasn't making noise I decided to mess with him. Everytime he did it I would yell back, though the wall, 'I cannot open the wall! It has no knob! You have to go outside to the door!'"
- Mitch Hedburg
 
i saw this thread title and immediately thought of hedburg. i miss him.

Hairfarmer

Hairfarmer Avatar

Location: The birthplace of Rock & Roll, baby.
Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:27am

"My next door neighbor used to bang on the wall. Since I wasn't making noise I decided to mess with him. Everytime he did it I would yell back, though the wall, 'I cannot open the wall! It has no knob! You have to go outside to the door!'"
- Mitch Hedburg

Rod

Rod Avatar

Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:26am

Mitch Hedberg was indeed brilliant!

"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."

"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down."

"My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one is the real hero?"

"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

"I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist."

"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."

"Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'"

"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

Also to the late, great Bill Hicks...{#Clap}  {#Cheers}


samiyam

samiyam Avatar

Location: Moving North


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:17am

"Intelligent people like you make me want to show off, which is the idiot's version of being interesting."
    ~ Steve Martin ~

Sean-E-Sean

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Location: Point Breeze


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:13am

We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution

-
Bill Hicks
Sean-E-Sean

Sean-E-Sean Avatar

Location: Point Breeze


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:11am

Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?

-Bill Hicks


Sean-E-Sean

Sean-E-Sean Avatar

Location: Point Breeze


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:09am

Because you know if you play New Kids on the Block albums backwards they sound better. "Oh come on, Bill, they're the New Kids, don't pick on them, they're so good and they're so clean cut and they're such a good image for the children." Fuck that! When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children to listen to people who fucking ROCKED! I don't care if they died in puddles of their own vomit! I want someone who plays from his fucking HEART!

-Bill Hicks




Sean-E-Sean

Sean-E-Sean Avatar

Location: Point Breeze


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:08am

We gotta come to some new ideas about life folks ok? I'm not being blase about abortion, it might be a real issue, it might not, doesn't matter to me. What matters is that if you believe in the sanctity of life then you believe it for life of all ages. That's what I hate about this child-worship syndrome going on. "Save the children! They're killing children! How many children were at Waco? They're killing children!" What does that mean? They reach a certain age and they're off your fucking love-list? Fuck your children, if that's the way you think then fuck you too. You either love all people of all ages or you shut the fuck up.

-Bill Hicks


Sean-E-Sean

Sean-E-Sean Avatar

Location: Point Breeze


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:06am

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

-Bill Hicks


Hairfarmer

Hairfarmer Avatar

Location: The birthplace of Rock & Roll, baby.
Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:05am

"I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to mix it with."

- Steven Wright
geordiezimmerman

geordiezimmerman Avatar

Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:04am

I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse... in a way... ya know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's very simple Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letters, you put a comma in there and you raise it up!
The late great Mitch Hedberg, Funniest man I've ever heard.

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