[ ]   [ ]   [ ]                        [ ]      [ ]   [ ]

Marijuana: Baked News. - sirdroseph - Nov 28, 2020 - 2:08am
 
♥ ♥ ♥ Vote For Pie ♥ ♥ ♥ - rhahl - Nov 28, 2020 - 2:07am
 
Photography Forum - Your Own Photos - rhahl - Nov 28, 2020 - 2:00am
 
2020 Elections - kcar - Nov 27, 2020 - 10:37pm
 
COVID-19 - kurtster - Nov 27, 2020 - 9:59pm
 
Trump - kurtster - Nov 27, 2020 - 8:28pm
 
Republican Party - R_P - Nov 27, 2020 - 8:14pm
 
Vinyl Only Spin List - kurtster - Nov 27, 2020 - 8:07pm
 
Trump Lies - R_P - Nov 27, 2020 - 7:21pm
 
Google Home - jarro - Nov 27, 2020 - 1:57pm
 
Jam! - rhahl - Nov 27, 2020 - 11:05am
 
Radio Paradise Comments - Coaxial - Nov 27, 2020 - 6:54am
 
Radio Paradise NFL Pick'em Group - miamizsun - Nov 27, 2020 - 5:33am
 
Counting with Pictures - ScottN - Nov 27, 2020 - 3:16am
 
Happy Thanksgiving! - whatshisname - Nov 27, 2020 - 1:50am
 
YouTube: Music-Videos - oppositelock - Nov 26, 2020 - 6:59pm
 
Supreme Court Rulings - R_P - Nov 26, 2020 - 2:18pm
 
Protest Songs - rhahl - Nov 26, 2020 - 12:16pm
 
Race in America - R_P - Nov 26, 2020 - 12:04pm
 
• • • BRING OUT YOUR DEAD • • •  - Antigone - Nov 26, 2020 - 11:28am
 
The Obituary Page - Steely_D - Nov 26, 2020 - 11:06am
 
Outstanding Covers - Steely_D - Nov 26, 2020 - 10:22am
 
Next life I'm going to be a backup singer - Steely_D - Nov 26, 2020 - 10:12am
 
Alice's Restaurant - Angiea16 - Nov 26, 2020 - 9:24am
 
RP on Raspberry Pi - BillG - Nov 26, 2020 - 9:07am
 
Poetry Forum - oldviolin - Nov 26, 2020 - 8:16am
 
A motivational quote - oldviolin - Nov 26, 2020 - 7:49am
 
honk if you think manbird and OV are one and the same ent... - oldviolin - Nov 26, 2020 - 7:47am
 
In My Room - oldviolin - Nov 26, 2020 - 7:38am
 
Arlo Guthrie's Alice's Restaurant Massacree - oldviolin - Nov 26, 2020 - 7:09am
 
Name My Band - oldviolin - Nov 26, 2020 - 6:58am
 
Democratic Party - kcar - Nov 26, 2020 - 3:41am
 
Unresearched Conspiracy Theories - Ohmsen - Nov 25, 2020 - 3:30pm
 
want to donate but only use the native internet currency ... - Ohmsen - Nov 25, 2020 - 2:35pm
 
The Best Commercials - Manbird - Nov 25, 2020 - 2:07pm
 
Things You Thought Today - Ohmsen - Nov 25, 2020 - 1:42pm
 
Blues Rock - Ohmsen - Nov 25, 2020 - 1:28pm
 
New Study Finds 'Most Narcissistic Generation' on Campuse... - haresfur - Nov 25, 2020 - 1:28pm
 
Cryptic Posts - Leave Them Guessing - Isabeau - Nov 25, 2020 - 1:01pm
 
What are you listening to now? - Ohmsen - Nov 25, 2020 - 12:52pm
 
Sticky, Groovy 70s Tunes - Ohmsen - Nov 25, 2020 - 11:09am
 
Live Music - Ohmsen - Nov 25, 2020 - 9:20am
 
Dear Retail Fashion Industry - Ohmsen - Nov 25, 2020 - 8:55am
 
2001; A SPACE ODYSSEY - R_P - Nov 24, 2020 - 10:26pm
 
RightWingNutZ - R_P - Nov 24, 2020 - 5:01pm
 
What Are You Going To Do Today? - Manbird - Nov 24, 2020 - 3:11pm
 
Canada - westslope - Nov 24, 2020 - 2:52pm
 
Donating with Bitcoin - why not? - BillG - Nov 24, 2020 - 2:32pm
 
New Music - chris13 - Nov 24, 2020 - 1:56pm
 
Need A Thread Killed? - oldviolin - Nov 24, 2020 - 9:17am
 
Bug Reports & Feature Requests - perruca - Nov 24, 2020 - 6:14am
 
Zappa - miamizsun - Nov 24, 2020 - 5:46am
 
Today in History - Red_Dragon - Nov 24, 2020 - 4:58am
 
Florida - miamizsun - Nov 24, 2020 - 4:53am
 
Oops! - Red_Dragon - Nov 23, 2020 - 3:58pm
 
Annoying stuff. not things that piss you off, just annoyi... - miamizsun - Nov 23, 2020 - 2:15pm
 
Strips, cartoons, illustrations - R_P - Nov 23, 2020 - 1:44pm
 
What are you doing RIGHT NOW? - haresfur - Nov 23, 2020 - 1:27pm
 
Name My Disease! - buddy - Nov 23, 2020 - 12:58pm
 
songs that ROCK! - ScottFromWyoming - Nov 23, 2020 - 11:49am
 
• • • The Once-a-Day • • •  - oldviolin - Nov 23, 2020 - 11:49am
 
Talk Behind Their Backs Forum - ScottFromWyoming - Nov 23, 2020 - 9:36am
 
No Points for Trying - miamizsun - Nov 23, 2020 - 6:56am
 
Amazing animals! - Coaxial - Nov 23, 2020 - 6:08am
 
Joe Biden - Steely_D - Nov 22, 2020 - 4:37pm
 
What Makes You Laugh? - Antigone - Nov 22, 2020 - 2:40pm
 
Always great listening... - ScottFromWyoming - Nov 22, 2020 - 2:10pm
 
What makes you smile? - Ohmsen - Nov 22, 2020 - 12:53pm
 
Prog Rockers Anonymous - Ohmsen - Nov 22, 2020 - 12:14pm
 
russian mystery - Ohmsen - Nov 22, 2020 - 11:12am
 
Health Care - Steely_D - Nov 22, 2020 - 10:24am
 
You might be getting old if...... - Antigone - Nov 22, 2020 - 9:31am
 
Back to the 70's - Ohmsen - Nov 22, 2020 - 8:51am
 
Capital Punishment - R_P - Nov 21, 2020 - 4:11pm
 
THE SMITHS (THE BAND GOOD) - MORRISSEY (BAD) Discuss - sirdroseph - Nov 21, 2020 - 12:29pm
 
Index » Radio Paradise/General » General Discussion » Quotes: Your Favorite Comedians Page: Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6  Next
Post to this Topic
Rod

Rod Avatar

Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 9:10am

Here is a sample of Mitch's work.



geordiezimmerman

geordiezimmerman Avatar

Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 9:06am

Nancy Astor: "Sir, if you were my husband, I would give you poison." 

Churchill: "If I were your husband I would take it."

geordiezimmerman

geordiezimmerman Avatar

Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 9:02am

 phineas wrote:

Same for me — never heard of him. Will YouTube something later.
 
Sadly he died young, just as he was making a name for himself. Drugs, drink, the nornal. 33 I think?

 
He was some weird guy though, strange delivery that takes a while to get used to, always seemed
off his head on something but by all accounts never was on stage, just seemed that way.

I play his stuff a lot still, laugh every time no matter how many time i hear it.



geordiezimmerman

geordiezimmerman Avatar

Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:58am

There has recently been a new Mitch hedberg release called 'Do you believe in gosh?

Not much more exists after that apart from his other main two. All are as funny as you would ever want.

From his latest

If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.

That'd be funny if you were a drummer, and you grabbed two magical wands instead of drumsticks. You're pounding out the beat "1-2-3-4 Oh shit, my Bass Player's now a can of soup... Sorry Rick, I mean Cream of Mushroom!"

 


I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it'd be a jacket


phineas

phineas Avatar



Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:54am

 Alafia wrote:

These are excellent; how is it I've never heard of this person?

 
Same for me — never heard of him. Will YouTube something later.

winter

winter Avatar

Location: in exile, as always
Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:54am

 Rod wrote:
Mitch Hedberg was indeed brilliant!

"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."

"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down."

"My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one is the real hero?"

"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

"I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist."

"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."

"Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'"

"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

Also to the late, great Bill Hicks...{#Clap}  {#Cheers}

 


BAM!

Next question. 
Rod

Rod Avatar

Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:53am

 Alafia wrote:

These are excellent; how is it I've never heard of this person?

 

You can find footage on youtube. His odd delivery was a large part of what made him so funny. I don't think he had a very long career before he died of a drug overdose.
Alafia

Alafia Avatar

Location: the dojo
Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:49am

 Rod wrote:
Mitch Hedberg was indeed brilliant!

"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."

"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down."

"My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one is the real hero?"

"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."



"I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist."

"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."

"Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'"

"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

 
These are excellent; how is it I've never heard of this person?


lily34

lily34 Avatar

Location: GTFO
Gender: Female


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:46am

 Hairfarmer wrote:
"My next door neighbor used to bang on the wall. Since I wasn't making noise I decided to mess with him. Everytime he did it I would yell back, though the wall, 'I cannot open the wall! It has no knob! You have to go outside to the door!'"
- Mitch Hedburg
 
i saw this thread title and immediately thought of hedburg. i miss him.

Hairfarmer

Hairfarmer Avatar

Location: The birthplace of Rock & Roll, baby.
Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:27am

"My next door neighbor used to bang on the wall. Since I wasn't making noise I decided to mess with him. Everytime he did it I would yell back, though the wall, 'I cannot open the wall! It has no knob! You have to go outside to the door!'"
- Mitch Hedburg

Rod

Rod Avatar

Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:26am

Mitch Hedberg was indeed brilliant!

"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."

"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down."

"My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one is the real hero?"

"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

"I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist."

"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."

"Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'"

"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

Also to the late, great Bill Hicks...{#Clap}  {#Cheers}


samiyam

samiyam Avatar

Location: Moving North


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:17am

"Intelligent people like you make me want to show off, which is the idiot's version of being interesting."
    ~ Steve Martin ~

Sean-E-Sean

Sean-E-Sean Avatar

Location: Point Breeze


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:13am

We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution

-
Bill Hicks
Sean-E-Sean

Sean-E-Sean Avatar

Location: Point Breeze


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:11am

Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?

-Bill Hicks


Sean-E-Sean

Sean-E-Sean Avatar

Location: Point Breeze


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:09am

Because you know if you play New Kids on the Block albums backwards they sound better. "Oh come on, Bill, they're the New Kids, don't pick on them, they're so good and they're so clean cut and they're such a good image for the children." Fuck that! When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children to listen to people who fucking ROCKED! I don't care if they died in puddles of their own vomit! I want someone who plays from his fucking HEART!

-Bill Hicks




Sean-E-Sean

Sean-E-Sean Avatar

Location: Point Breeze


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:08am

We gotta come to some new ideas about life folks ok? I'm not being blase about abortion, it might be a real issue, it might not, doesn't matter to me. What matters is that if you believe in the sanctity of life then you believe it for life of all ages. That's what I hate about this child-worship syndrome going on. "Save the children! They're killing children! How many children were at Waco? They're killing children!" What does that mean? They reach a certain age and they're off your fucking love-list? Fuck your children, if that's the way you think then fuck you too. You either love all people of all ages or you shut the fuck up.

-Bill Hicks


Sean-E-Sean

Sean-E-Sean Avatar

Location: Point Breeze


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:06am

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

-Bill Hicks


Hairfarmer

Hairfarmer Avatar

Location: The birthplace of Rock & Roll, baby.
Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:05am

"I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to mix it with."

- Steven Wright
geordiezimmerman

geordiezimmerman Avatar

Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:04am

I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse... in a way... ya know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's very simple Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letters, you put a comma in there and you raise it up!
The late great Mitch Hedberg, Funniest man I've ever heard.

Sean-E-Sean

Sean-E-Sean Avatar

Location: Point Breeze


Posted: Dec 17, 2008 - 8:04am

I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fuckin' mouth.

-Bill Hicks


Page: Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6  Next