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Index » Radio Paradise/General » General Discussion » ~ Have a good joke you can post? ~ Page: Previous  1, 2, 3 ... 22, 23, 24 ... 311, 312, 313  Next
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William

William Avatar

Location: Eureka!
Gender: Male


Posted: Sep 16, 2011 - 8:55am

Dead Horse Theory

 

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

 

However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

 

1.      Buying a stronger whip.

2.      Changing riders.

3.      Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4.      Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5.      Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6.      Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7.      Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8.      Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9.      Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.

10.    Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11.    Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12.    Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And of course....

13.    Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

 



oldviolin

oldviolin Avatar

Location: esse quam videri
Gender: Male


Posted: Aug 10, 2011 - 9:33am

 justlistening wrote:


Wow, this was like David Lynch meets Timothy Leary.
 
classic
It's better when delivered on the Gold Turkey album... 
justlistening

justlistening Avatar

Location: So. California
Gender: Male


Posted: Aug 10, 2011 - 9:28am

 oldviolin wrote:
A man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm
The show begins and the comedian comes out for his first show of the evening
The comedian says "A man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm
The show begins and the comedian comes out for his second show of the evening.
The show begins and the comedian says "A man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm"
Just then a man in the front row stands up and says "I think I've heard this before"
.................
She wears it around her neck just like a stole and they go out on the town
The man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful arm on his girl
The show begins and the one-armed comedian comes out for his last show of the evening.
He does his act, and the audience stands up and gives him a hand


Brian Doyle-Murray 


 

Wow, this was like David Lynch meets Timothy Leary.

  
justlistening

justlistening Avatar

Location: So. California
Gender: Male


Posted: Aug 10, 2011 - 9:21am

 Proclivities wrote:

That reminds me of an old Buddy Hackett joke:

Two Martians land their spaceship in Crown Heights, Brooklyn, and they go exploring.  They look through the window of a Jewish bakery and are fascinated by a display of bagels in the front window.  They go into the shop and tell the owner that they want to have some of those "wheels".
"They're not wheels;" says the owner, "they're bagels."
"No, they are wheels." insists the apparent leader of the two aliens, "We know what wheels look like; we can use them for some of our machines."
"They may looks like wheels," says the owner, "but they're too soft to be used as wheels."
"Then what are they for?"
"They're food - for eating." says the owner as he hands one to the head Martian, "Here, try one."
The Martian eats part of the bagel, then hands it to his companion.
"Hmmm," he mumbles, "these would go good with lox."
 
{#Lol}

oldviolin

oldviolin Avatar

Location: esse quam videri
Gender: Male


Posted: Aug 10, 2011 - 6:56am

A man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm
The show begins and the comedian comes out for his first show of the evening
The comedian says "A man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm
The show begins and the comedian comes out for his second show of the evening.
The show begins and the comedian says "A man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm"
Just then a man in the front row stands up and says "I think I've heard this before"
The comedian says "Well maybe you caught my first show of the evening"
The man says "No, I just walked in here"
The comedian says "Well it was a guy looked just like you walked in with a beautiful girl on his arm could have been your twin brother"
The man says "My twin brother's dead"
The comedian says "What is this, a wake?"
The man says "I don't have to stand for this"
And he stands up and he walks outside
And the comedian says "Are you out there? I can hear you breathing."
The man says "I'm holding my breath"
The comedian says "Well I'm holding you wife"
Just then the man says "That's not my wife"
And he walks back into the nightclub with another beautiful girl on his arm
"Who's that lady I'm seeing you with" the comedian says
The man says "This is my wife. That other lady is my dead twin brother's wife
You can take her if you want her"
And the comedian says "Not unless you say please"
Just then, a man walks into a nightclub with a tatoo of a beautiful girl on his arm eating elbow macaroni.
The comedian says "Is that girl from Italy?"
The man says "No just hungry"
Just then a man walks into the nightclub, he comes riding into the nightclub, on a pony, with a feather stuck into his hat
"What do you call that?" the comedian asks
"An entrance" the man says "But forget that"
Just give me a beer and give my pony a jockey"
The bartender says "I think that pony's had enough already"
"Well make it a short jockey" the man says
"And while you're at it give that lady's lawyer some briefs"
The lady stands up and says "I can defend myself, your Honor"
And the lawyer says "But I'll defend her honor, your Honor"
The judge says "Well on her or off her, make up your mind"
The comic says "Definitely on her, that's the best offer I've had all day"
"Well take it or leave it" says the Judge
"Couldn't we just drop it?" says the comedian
He says "You better drop leaflets before you bomb"
And the comedian says "I'm already bombing"
He says "Maybe it's your material"
He says "You don't think it fits?"
He says "Well it could be let out a little"
The comedian says "How much do you think it will cost me?"
He says "It'll cost you an arm and a leg"
The comic says "Well listen, could you put it on the cuff?"
The tailor says "I'll tell you what I'll do. We'll forget the leg and I'll just charge you an arm"
And a beautiful arm it is
"OK" says the comedian and the tailor cuts off the comedian's arm and gives him the suit
The tailor calls his girlfriend and asks her to go out on the town with him in order to celebrate
He calls on his girlfriend and gives her the beautiful arm as a gift
She wears it around her neck just like a stole and they go out on the town
The man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful arm on his girl
The show begins and the one-armed comedian comes out for his last show of the evening.
He does his act, and the audience stands up and gives him a hand


Brian Doyle-Murray 

Proclivities

Proclivities Avatar

Location: Paris of the Piedmont
Gender: Male


Posted: Aug 10, 2011 - 6:32am

 justlistening wrote:
 "Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?" The leader of the Martians says, "It's Shabbos"

 
That reminds me of an old Buddy Hackett joke:

Two Martians land their spaceship in Crown Heights, Brooklyn, and they go exploring.  They look through the window of a Jewish bakery and are fascinated by a display of bagels in the front window.  They go into the shop and tell the owner that they want to have some of those "wheels".
"They're not wheels;" says the owner, "they're bagels."
"No, they are wheels." insists the apparent leader of the two aliens, "We know what wheels look like; we can use them for some of our machines."
"They may looks like wheels," says the owner, "but they're too soft to be used as wheels."
"Then what are they for?"
"They're food - for eating." says the owner as he hands one to the head Martian, "Here, try one."
The Martian eats part of the bagel, then hands it to his companion.
"Hmmm," he mumbles, "these would go good with lox."

hippiechick

hippiechick Avatar

Location: topsy turvy land
Gender: Female


Posted: Aug 10, 2011 - 6:09am

 justlistening wrote:
Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet. "Give me the box of matches," says one.. "Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens." He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a little green Martian appears waving all six of his arms and yelling... "No, no, don't!" The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? Still, he takes another match... and... A crowd of hysterical green Martians is coming, all waving their arms: "No, no, don't do that!" One of the astronauts says, "This looks serious. What are they afraid of? Nonetheless, we're here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars." So he strikes a match — which flames up, burns down, and....NOTHING HAPPENS!! So he turns to the Martians and asks, "Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?" The leader of the Martians says, "It's Shabbos"

 
{#Lol}

justlistening

justlistening Avatar

Location: So. California
Gender: Male


Posted: Aug 9, 2011 - 8:33pm

Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet. "Give me the box of matches," says one.. "Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens." He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a little green Martian appears waving all six of his arms and yelling... "No, no, don't!" The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? Still, he takes another match... and... A crowd of hysterical green Martians is coming, all waving their arms: "No, no, don't do that!" One of the astronauts says, "This looks serious. What are they afraid of? Nonetheless, we're here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars." So he strikes a match — which flames up, burns down, and....NOTHING HAPPENS!! So he turns to the Martians and asks, "Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?" The leader of the Martians says, "It's Shabbos"
DaveInSaoMiguel

DaveInSaoMiguel Avatar

Location: No longer in a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA
Gender: Male


Posted: Aug 9, 2011 - 7:24am

Another man goes to hell joke:

A man goes to hell and is told he can choose which of 3 fates he must spend eternity with. He is first taken to a room where people are being whipped with cat-o-9 tails and beng stabbed with swords.
He says this is not for me let me see the next fate.
In the next room people are being burnt in large lava pits.
The man says lets see the last one. In this room.
In this room people are standing in feces up to their necks sipping coffee.
The man says this doesn't look near as bad as the others so I'll take this one.
No sooner does he find himself a spot and takes a sip of coffee a voice says "Breaks over back on your heads for another 100 years!" 
Zissy

Zissy Avatar

Location: 90804
Gender: Female


Posted: Aug 9, 2011 - 5:40am

A doctor is standing in the hall of a hospital talking with a colleague when suddenly one of his patients runs down the hall in his hospital gown screaming at the top of his lungs. Right behind the patient is a nurse carrying a pan of steaming, boiling-hot water, obviously chasing the patient. The doctor interrupts his conversation with his colleague and shouts to the chasing nurse, "Miss Jones, I said 'Prick his boil!'"
Zissy

Zissy Avatar

Location: 90804
Gender: Female


Posted: Aug 8, 2011 - 9:33am

 aflanigan wrote:

Is she hot looking?
 

aflanigan

aflanigan Avatar

Location: At Sea
Gender: Male


Posted: Aug 8, 2011 - 9:28am

 Zissy wrote:
 the American devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day".
 
Is she hot looking?

Zissy

Zissy Avatar

Location: 90804
Gender: Female


Posted: Aug 8, 2011 - 9:21am

"Make the most of the Indian hemp seed, and sow it everywhere!"
(George Washington)

not a joke but funny none the less. :) 

Zissy

Zissy Avatar

Location: 90804
Gender: Female


Posted: Aug 8, 2011 - 9:16am

Indian Hell
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is different hell for each country and decides he'll pick the least painful to spend his eternity.

He goes to American hell and asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the American devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day".

The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on. He checks out the Australian hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all similar to the American hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.

Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

But that is exactly the same as all the other hells why are there so many people waiting to get in?" asked the man.

"Because there is never any electricity so the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on. And the Indian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."

 
(former member)

(former member) Avatar

Gender: Male


Posted: Aug 8, 2011 - 9:00am

 samiyam wrote:
A Senator was taken to the Jet Propulsion Labs in Pasadena, CA for a junket tour and the administrators proudly showed him around the grounds of the facility.  Soon they came to the computer labs and they showed the politician their newest "super computer" which was three times more powerful than any computer ever made before.  They asked the Senator whether he had any questions for the computer... He said yes.  He went to the keyboard and wrote: "Is There A God?"  The computer whirled for a second or two and then there appeared on the screen: "THERE IS NOW".
 
Stolen from an old, brilliant, Isaac Asimov short story.

The Last Question 


samiyam

samiyam Avatar

Location: Moving North


Posted: Aug 8, 2011 - 8:56am

A Senator was taken to the Jet Propulsion Labs in Pasadena, CA for a junket tour and the administrators proudly showed him around the grounds of the facility.  Soon they came to the computer labs and they showed the politician their newest "super computer" which was three times more powerful than any computer ever made before.  They asked the Senator whether he had any questions for the computer... He said yes.  He went to the keyboard and wrote: "Is There A God?"  The computer whirled for a second or two and then there appeared on the screen: "THERE IS NOW".
Servo

Servo Avatar

Location: Down on the Farm
Gender: Male


Posted: Aug 7, 2011 - 7:02pm

 hippiechick wrote:
Not only that, but Ford was rabidly anti-Semitic, and I doubt he would pay a nickel to 4 Jewish brothers
 
That explains it.  The controls on my Ford belong to four brothers named "+", "-", "Temp" and "Fan".


muzik

muzik Avatar

Location: Montana
Gender: Female


Posted: Aug 7, 2011 - 4:19pm

{#Stupid}



nope
katzendogs

katzendogs Avatar

Location: Pasadena ,Texas
Gender: Male


Posted: Aug 7, 2011 - 3:35pm

 oldslabsides wrote:

since when do you call yourself manbird?

 
i'm speculating! come on!

Red_Dragon

Red_Dragon Avatar

Location: Dumbf*ckistan


Posted: Aug 7, 2011 - 3:32pm

 katzendogs wrote:

What kind of sandwiches? Did they sleep together? Manbird wants to know.

 
since when do you call yourself manbird?
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