Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they might have died from Asian Flu. A pathologist examined the remains of the crows and to everybody’s relief confirmed the problem was definitely not Asian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However during the detailed analysis colours of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks while only 2% were killed by impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause. When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the look-out crows could shout “Cah” Not a single one could shout “Truck”
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they might have died from Asian Flu. A pathologist examined the remains of the crows and to everybody’s relief confirmed the problem was definitely not Asian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However during the detailed analysis colours of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks while only 2% were killed by impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause. When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the look-out crows could shout “Cah” Not a single one could shout “Truck”
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'
The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!' The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'? The other guy answers, I'm from Dublin, I am.' The first guy responds, 'So am I!' 'Sure and begorra And what street did you live on in Dublin? The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.' The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
And to what school would you have been going'? The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.' The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'? The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.' The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.' Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'? 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
I thought this was going to be a riff on that old Emo Phillips joke:
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'
The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!' The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'? The other guy answers, I'm from Dublin, I am.' The first guy responds, 'So am I!' 'Sure and begorra And what street did you live on in Dublin? The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.' The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
And to what school would you have been going'? The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.' The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'? The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.' The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.' Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'? 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
Paddy hates his wife's cat so much he drives to the next town and dumps it . When he gets home the cats there. Next day he drives 50miles and dumps it. When he gets home its there again. So next day he drives the other side of the country and dumps it, 6 hours later he rings his wife and asks "Is that frigin cat home?" "yes..Why ?" asks the wife .
Paddy says "Put that **** on the phone, im lost. "
A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library. He asked a girl in a university library: Do you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl replied in a loud voice, "I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S ROBBERY!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy then whispered in her ear: "I study law: I know how to screw people. Have A Great Day!!!!"
Location: No longer in a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA Gender:
Posted:
Feb 10, 2015 - 5:44am
A guy texts his neighbor: Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it’s no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again. The man, feeling outrage and betrayed, grabs his gun goes into the bedroom and without a word shoots his wife. Moments later the guy gets a second text: Damn, I really should use spell check! That should be "wifi"... Sorry!
Location: No longer in a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA Gender:
Posted:
Jan 18, 2015 - 8:57am
Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!" The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad.
I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers #6
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
And Finally Two engineers???
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the Obama government, one as treasurer.
One night an accountant is working very late in his office toiling feverishly to finish some time-sensitive tax work when a man walks into his office from the street. "Can I help you?" The accountant asks. "I'm not sure;" the man mutters, "but for the past few days I've had these disturbing dreams." "Oh?" Asks the puzzled accountant. "Yes, terrible dreams where I'm turning into a moth." "Gosh, I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm an accountant, not a psychiatrist. What made you come into my office?" "Well, your light was on."
One night an accountant is working very late in his office toiling feverishly to finish some time-sensitive tax work when a man walks into his office from the street. "Can I help you?" The accountant asks. "I'm not sure;" the man mutters, "but for the past few days I've had these disturbing dreams." "Oh?" Asks the puzzled accountant. "Yes, terrible dreams where I'm turning into a moth." "Gosh, I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm an accountant, not a psychiatrist. What made you come into my office?" "Well, your light was on."
i'm worried now that otis redding may have gotten it all wrong
I'm sure he came up once or twice during the rant and may even have been the instigation. I only gave you the executive summary. I decided I should put a link to the story in the song comment page to help others avoid unnecessary umbrage from ancient mariners.
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
Wicked funny (as they say up there)
