Proclivities wrote: 
I used to work on a navy base and was having lunch in the consolidated mess when the old salt that was the deputy director for the branch we worked for started in on a tirade about people always misusing the word dock.  "A dock IS NOT the thing you walk on!  That is a pier. A dock is the space between two finger piers where the ship is."   When he had finished I asked him if he had three finger piers would that be a paradox?   He didn't speak to me for the rest of the day.  It was wonderful.

 

 Prodigal_SOB wrote: 

 aflanigan wrote: 

  And they're always docking your pay too.

I once tried to get work as a stevedore, but I couldn't make it past the pier review process.



HT to miamizsun 

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?  Michael said: Just a minute I have to go for a leak.  The teacher responded by saying: That would be rude and most impolite.

Woman places ad seeking a man who will never hurt her, will never abandon her and who is great in bed.

After several candidates being turned down she hears her door bell ring. She opens the door to find an armless and legless man in a wheel chair.

She offers him $5 thinking he is collecting for charity but he explains that he is there for the interview.

She looks at him and says, "but you have no arms."

He replies, "but you wanted a man who would never hit you."

The woman then says, "but you have no legs."

To which the man replies, "but you wanted a man who would never abandon you."

She pauses and then says, "but I also want a man who is great in bed."

The man puts on a cheeky grin and says, "so how do you think I managed to ring the door bell? "

The Talking Clock:

A man was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends, late one night.  He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet sitting on the dresser. 
"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the friends asked.
"It's not a gong.  It's a talking clock", he replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked the astonished friend. 
"Yup", he replied."How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch:".  He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back, smiling proudly.  The three stood looking at one another for a moment, as the pulsating resonances filled the room.  Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "You *%#***!!!. It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

Myron Greenberg, a wealthy L.A. businessman received a letter of Audit from the IRS. It really upsets him and he called his accountant, Saul Meyers.

Myron (pleading): "Saul, what are they doing to me? Why are they doing this to me?"

 Saul (calming): "Myron, don't worry about it. I've got all the receipts, the account is up to date, it's no problem. But let me give you a bit of advice. When you go to the Audit, make a bad impression. Wear the crummiest, dirtiest clothes you've got. Have holes in your shoes, ripped pants and look shabby. I mean really look terrible, because if they have a little sympathy, they'll go easy on you."

Then Myron called his Lawyer, Charlie Steinberg.

His Lawyer said: "Myron, it's no problem, I'm sure they got the receipts, I'm sure everything is up to date, you've got a great accountant, don't worry about it. Let me give you a tip. When you go to the Audit, it's very important that you make a good impression. Wear your best suit, and your shirt with a silk tie and cuff links and shine your shoes, look like somebody. Because if you look like a somebody they respect you and will go easy on you."

And now he's torn. And that night he bumped into his Rabbi at the Deli. And he told the Rabbi the story.

Rabbi:  "Myron, it reminds me of sometimes when I perform a wedding. The bride's father will tell his daughter that on her wedding night to wear a nightgown with a high collar and long sleeves and a full-length robe...cover up, you know, be a little demure. And the mother says, 'Don't be silly. Wear a low cut "negligee" with the cleavage sticking out — look a little sexy'... and, Myron,

I will say to you just like I say to the bride on her wedding night, it makes no difference what you wear, you're gonna' get fooked".

What’s The Difference Between a Lottery and An Election?

 

An honest person might win a lottery.

Guy's walking down the street, and a penguin starts following him. Cop asks the guy why he's walking a penguin. Guy says the penguin just started following him. Cop says to take him to the zoo. Next day, the cop sees the guy and the penguin at a bus stop. The cop asks why the guy didn't take the penguin to the zoo. The guy says, "I did take him to the zoo, and today I'm taking him to the history museum."

 ScottN wrote:
  It is my first recollection of it.

 Prodigal_SOB wrote:Good Catch!  I knew it wasn't original, and has had many differing versions, but you may have the original??

Edit: My meal is better.  Gazpacho??

 ScottN wrote: 

Man, with his pet fly,  walks into a Michelin starred restaurant in Paris and orders:

First: I'll have Quiche au  Rouquefort  et aux Poireaux with an '82 Beaune du Bucherot (Burgundy)
Next, I'll have Grenouilles a la Provencal with an ' 01 Chablis, Montmains, 1er Cru, Domaine Duplessis
Then I'll have Le Filet de Saumon au Beurre Rouge.. let's stay with the Chablis.
To finish: Fromage, poire, Repas de vilain. And a bottle of your best Sauterne

Oh, please bring some shit for my fly.

My Favorite Animal Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where the hell I am now...

 2cats wrote: 

 lily34 wrote: 
How many dead people are in that cemetery?  Dad replies, "All of them."

 Coaxial wrote: 
don't forget to tip your servers!

 lily34 wrote: