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It's my birthday   

Posted by triskele - Apr 28, 2015 - 2:56pm
(crossposted from my blog)

4 months have passed since I got the most devastating news of my life.

4 months...filled with anxiety, feelings of deep terror, of hopelessness, of despair.  Trying to decide how I feel about dying.  How I feel about leaving everyone and everything in a way that I have not done before.

4 months...filled with hope, feelings of immeasurable gratitude, of inspiration, of determination. Trying to decide how I feel about living. How I feel about being here, now, and for many years to come, yet changed forever.

The back and forth has been like breathing. 

Or both sides of one coin, spinning high through the air.

Right now, the chances of the coin landing LIFE SIDE UP are better and better every day.

I look at myself in the mirror.

I am as hairless and flat chested as a pre-pubescent girl. 

There are gashes across my chest, and dark bruises where my lovely breasts used to be.  It hurts to move my body. But I am a dancer, so I move. 

Sometimes, it hurts just to breathe.  But I breathe all the deeper for it.

I do my exercises, and I do my stretches, and I keep working toward being able to open my arms wide.

Wide enough to welcome all that is to come. No matter what it is.

I am waiting for the grief over the loss of my breasts, but right now, the most important thing is healing from the physical shock of having surgery, so the grief will come in its own time. 

I don't need to force it, or to rush it.

And today, it's my birthday.

Time to celebrate, to be here now, and be happy....and to begin again.

There is a light,  As from many candles..... that is coming from all over the world as people pray for me, hope for me, dance for me, burn candles for me, sing chants for me....and love me.

That light is strong, and it keeps me focused on the path ahead.  That light celebrates me, and celebrates my life.   I visualize myself taking it all in, and growing ever stronger by it's power.

To everyone out there, I say thank you.  Little words that are inadequate to the task...but they're all I have.

Here's to the coin landing LIFE SIDE UP....
20 comments on this journal entry.

triskele Avatar

Location: The Dragons' Roost

Posted: May 9, 2015 - 6:23am

 good point, Serious.... 

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres

Posted: May 9, 2015 - 5:59am


I tell you now that life is on both sides of that coin.

Be blessed.

miamizsun Avatar

Location: (3261.3 Miles SE of RP)

Posted: May 7, 2015 - 7:17am


triskele Avatar

Location: The Dragons' Roost

Posted: May 6, 2015 - 8:49am

Thanks, y'allz!

kmh Avatar

Location: NY

Posted: May 3, 2015 - 1:16pm

Happy Birthday! ...a lovely post.....♥
Soft on the inside
geoff_morphini Avatar

Posted: May 1, 2015 - 11:45am

I'm glad you are still with us circling the sun! {#Cheers}
Resident oddball
p4jkafla Avatar

Location: New England, USA

Posted: May 1, 2015 - 11:34am

Happy happy birthday!
Lazy8 Avatar

Location: The Gallatin Valley of Montana

Posted: Apr 30, 2015 - 10:00pm

Save me a dance.
We're all riders on this train
ScottN Avatar

Location: Half inch above the K/T boundary

Posted: Apr 30, 2015 - 10:50am

Wonderful.  {#Cheers}.  Indeed, I'm with Steely...Long May You Run!

meower Avatar

Location: i believe, i believe, it's silly, but I believe

Posted: Apr 30, 2015 - 4:33am


kurtster Avatar

Location: drifting

Posted: Apr 29, 2015 - 6:58pm

{#Cheers}   {#War}
Angular banjoes sound good to me.
Steely_D Avatar

Location: Biscayne Bay

Posted: Apr 29, 2015 - 3:43pm

long may you run
I haven’t seen the Democrats this mad since we freed the slaves
bokey Avatar

Posted: Apr 29, 2015 - 2:48pm

Endeavor to Perservere
sirdroseph Avatar

Location: Yes

Posted: Apr 29, 2015 - 2:04am

I eat pints
ScottFromWyoming Avatar

Location: Powell

Posted: Apr 28, 2015 - 6:05pm

Power and strength in that blog.
Living with passion
Alexandra Avatar

Location: PNW

Posted: Apr 28, 2015 - 5:54pm

That has to be one of the most beautiful and inspirational things I've ever read. Thank you, P.
Happy Birthday!    
She knew it was time to exceed herself.
MsJudi Avatar

Location: Houston, TX

Posted: Apr 28, 2015 - 5:50pm


Antigone Avatar

Location: A house, in a Virginian Valley

Posted: Apr 28, 2015 - 4:34pm

{#Cheers} {#Heartkiss}
Shine On.
Coaxial Avatar

Location: 543 miles west of Paradis,1491 miles east of Paradise

Posted: Apr 28, 2015 - 4:26pm


BlueHeronDruid Avatar

Location: planting flowers

Posted: Apr 28, 2015 - 3:49pm