It's a great feeling when everything is right in the world, Isn't it? But from the silence and solitary standpoint of my rented room it's been a very long time since anything has been or even felt right in my world. If you know me, which only a few of you do, you know that I come from a long lineage of a troubled past. While not abusive in the common sense of being raped by a stranger or sexually abused by a family member, the abuse has come in just as many damaging forms and continues to this day. With just as much long term effect.

And so, the depressed, cynical, jaded, aloof and biting personality you see before you today is the sum total of all that I have experienced in this particular life. If you know me you may say, oh nothing's really changed about you, your still the same. But if that's your observance then you are really only looking on the outside. You are not seeing my life from my perspective, and therefore cannot see any change that I have made or what twisted sense I have adopted as my new credo.

Unlike some people I know, who remain rigid in their thinking, their environment, who don't want to change, and who revert right back into the same routines, the changes my life has forced me to face, well, I think I have adapted and rolled with the punches pretty well. I have changed and learned (learned it's good or learned it's bad) with each demeaning episode and made it my own. I have told myself many times that I am a divine child of light that and that I deserve. But it doesn't seem to translate. I get chastised for even saying that I feel I am a divine child of light and that I DO deserve. Even if that divinity doesn't show so much to the outside world anymore like it once did. It's something that is built into me on a subconscious level but has gotten blasted with holes over the years and more so very recently. So while I have everything I need to exist on a very basic material level, there is a deep and dark abyss of all the other things that a life needs that are so obviously vacant I do not know how I am walking around each day without hope, without love, without joy, without excitement, without interest, without purpose.

Now the gurus might all say, and the self help masters might all insist, that we only need faith and a knowing that all things will be provided, and remind us that we are asked to accept whatever circumstances we find ourselves in, good or bad. But I want to challenge that. If we are in essence to live in the moment, how can we envision the future or even desire it? If I am to accept that I am homeless, then I have no need of finding a home. If I am to accept that I have a serious illness, then I would do nothing to cure myself of it. And if I am to accept that I am not experiencing a happy life, then I must be accepting of my misery. Seriously, thats one of the many questions I would ask.

I've come to learn that it isn't always possible for all of us to obtain the things we want in one life. And it seems to be, from my observances of my friends, as well as the people in the world around me, that 99% of us humans are not doing the things we most love to do. We may even have the talents to do these things, and the desire to do these things, but instead we are laidened with an office job, a cleaning job, a fast food job, a grocery job, a totally opposite job or vocation than one that we feel we are suited for. Or one we feel makes us happy. I've talked to so many people who would rather be somewhere else, doing something else, instead they are here...living an unfullfilling life just because they have to make ends meet. Is it all just follow your bliss? Throwing caution to the wind and living like Eat Pray Love? Seriously (she has money for that remember)

Is there a secret to living a fulfilling life? Or have we all just missed the mark about what the human experience is about with our complicated psychology, introduction of money and the rapidly changing technology. While learning and growing are good things, at what levels do they become counter productive. While a world of happiness and bliss all the time is said would make us complacent and bored, at what point should pain, heartbreak and physical suffering cease being so prominent in our lives? We are covered in it like tar.