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I'm ready for something completely different   

Posted by Shesdifferent - Aug 12, 2014 - 7:08pm
It's a great feeling when everything is right in the world, Isn't it? But from the silence and solitary standpoint of my rented room it's been a very long time since anything has been or even felt right in my world. If you know me, which only a few of you do, you know that I come from a long lineage of a troubled past. While not abusive in the common sense of being raped by a stranger or sexually abused by a family member, the abuse has come in just as many damaging forms and continues to this day. With just as much long term effect.

And so, the depressed, cynical, jaded, aloof and biting personality you see before you today is the sum total of all that I have experienced in this particular life. If you know me you may say, oh nothing's really changed about you, your still the same. But if that's your observance then you are really only looking on the outside. You are not seeing my life from my perspective, and therefore cannot see any change that I have made or what twisted sense I have adopted as my new credo.

Unlike some people I know, who remain rigid in their thinking, their environment, who don't want to change, and who revert right back into the same routines, the changes my life has forced me to face, well, I think I have adapted and rolled with the punches pretty well. I have changed and learned (learned it's good or learned it's bad) with each demeaning episode and made it my own. I have told myself many times that I am a divine child of light that and that I deserve. But it doesn't seem to translate. I get chastised for even saying that I feel I am a divine child of light and that I DO deserve. Even if that divinity doesn't show so much to the outside world anymore like it once did. It's something that is built into me on a subconscious level but has gotten blasted with holes over the years and more so very recently. So while I have everything I need to exist on a very basic material level, there is a deep and dark abyss of all the other things that a life needs that are so obviously vacant I do not know how I am walking around each day without hope, without love, without joy, without excitement, without interest, without purpose.

Now the gurus might all say, and the self help masters might all insist, that we only need faith and a knowing that all things will be provided, and remind us that we are asked to accept whatever circumstances we find ourselves in, good or bad. But I want to challenge that. If we are in essence to live in the moment, how can we envision the future or even desire it? If I am to accept that I am homeless, then I have no need of finding a home. If I am to accept that I have a serious illness, then I would do nothing to cure myself of it. And if I am to accept that I am not experiencing a happy life, then I must be accepting of my misery. Seriously, thats one of the many questions I would ask.

I've come to learn that it isn't always possible for all of us to obtain the things we want in one life. And it seems to be, from my observances of my friends, as well as the people in the world around me, that 99% of us humans are not doing the things we most love to do. We may even have the talents to do these things, and the desire to do these things, but instead we are laidened with an office job, a cleaning job, a fast food job, a grocery job, a totally opposite job or vocation than one that we feel we are suited for. Or one we feel makes us happy. I've talked to so many people who would rather be somewhere else, doing something else, instead they are here...living an unfullfilling life just because they have to make ends meet. Is it all just follow your bliss? Throwing caution to the wind and living like Eat Pray Love? Seriously (she has money for that remember)

Is there a secret to living a fulfilling life? Or have we all just missed the mark about what the human experience is about with our complicated psychology, introduction of money and the rapidly changing technology. While learning and growing are good things, at what levels do they become counter productive. While a world of happiness and bliss all the time is said would make us complacent and bored, at what point should pain, heartbreak and physical suffering cease being so prominent in our lives? We are covered in it like tar.

8 comments on this journal entry.
ab origine
oldviolin Avatar

Location: esse quam videri

Posted: Aug 14, 2014 - 9:32am


PoundPuppy Avatar

Posted: Aug 14, 2014 - 7:02am

I dunno. I pretty much hate life these days. 
Well most of it.
I'm certainly not amused by it anymore nor do I believe in or look for those elusive happy ending or silver linings. 
Endeavor to Perservere
sirdroseph Avatar

Location: Yes

Posted: Aug 14, 2014 - 5:48am

All feelings are temporary states and must be treated as such.  Hope this helps!{#Meditate}

expertTexpert Avatar

Location: Waiting for the van to come

Posted: Aug 13, 2014 - 11:42pm

We can all tell interesting stories about our past. But they're just stories now.
I remember some of mine, and hope I learned from those events, but they aren't me anymore.

I don't want to carry those memories any more.
In fact, I don't want to carry those T-shirts, those scrapbooks, those records, or any of that crap around with me any more.
It all limits me, and doesn't improve me.

Is the sun shining? Wonderful.
Is that the breeze in my face, and the fresh hot wind?
I think I smell cut grass.
What else is out there?
I'm Working On It
Shesdifferent Avatar

Location: Just visiting this planet

Posted: Aug 13, 2014 - 3:28pm

I was having a conversation with a friend about this journal entry.....and I asked how did our lives get this way? I mentioned that when we were younger there was more movement in our lives and we had more desire and momentum....we may have been working, traveling, have husbands or partners, and may have been tending to children. We had a focus on something that kept us busy and productive. I commented and thought it was because there was more movement, and exchange that we seemed happier and had optimism for the future. Even if we were not super well off, or had suffered a slight setback every so often, we had more opportunity to get back on our feet or to get a few things that gave us a temporary spark to float us until life resumed back to a movement and flow. But over the years for my personal experiences, things just kept getting worse and worse (even though I continued to try everything I could) and because of each experience I had either rejected me or did not give my efforts expansion, my existence downsized more and more each time. Not only on a material level but an emotional level along with it. My last episode of misfortune set me to questioning everything (I had been for years anyway), only this time whether or not I was that bad of a person to deserve such treatment. But bit by bit everything has gotten taken away and it reached a point where all I could do was exist. You know, like groundhog day in a bubble. And only existing, is a slow and agonizing death. The essence that we are HAS TO have hope, joy, excitement, LOVE. I thought....is this just because I have gotten older? No, even young people of 20 something felt as despondent as I did. Even if they were on a different level of success. The specifics for me cut even deeper, as we become embarassed by our circumstances and frowned upon for our attitude. Were strong enough I feel you and me...and I know I will wake up the next day (beit changed or not)...but my strength to endure has just made me indifferent. But isn't that where according to the Guru's and spiritual leaders I am supposed to be....in the middle, neither happy or sad?

I'm Working On It
Shesdifferent Avatar

Location: Just visiting this planet

Posted: Aug 13, 2014 - 11:33am

I have many regrets about what I "should have" done with my life. And I have realized that people that do the work, I mean, really do the work find some semblance of success. Thats why celebrities are celebrities...because they can do the work, they can put themselves out there, and they can put in the hours it takes to produce a show. What's sad is the double standard that world opinion has. Take for instance, politicians who get caught with escorts or in Clinton's case...for getting a blow job while in office. All of those washington men are doing the exact same thing, but one that gets caught OMG, they burn him at the stake. It's ridiculous! Celebrities and politicians are no different than you and me, they are just better at playing a high stakes game and have a greater need for power and recognition..

As for technology making life easier (and was suppose to give us more leisure time).....well, we have opened Pandora's box. And there is sooooooo much we have added that brings us more pleasure and leisure time. But because we know so much more now, more time is required of us for it. Simplicity is left to the monks and the minimalists. "Just living" is now mainly for those still living in shacks. We can connect easier, share knowledge and news easier, aid other countries quicker, travel anywhere, and eat anything all year round. We don't realize that we are now slaves to our own devices.  We have just made more complicated.  Did you see on H2 "The Men Who Built America?" It reminds me of that. Men will always forge forward, be greedy, and seek gratification. Men....an endless pissing contest lololol.
About three bricks shy of a load
steeler Avatar

Location: Perched on the precipice of the cauldron of truth

Posted: Aug 13, 2014 - 6:42am

Speaking about the advancements in technology: One would expect that with all the advancements in technology that everyday life would become easier.  Studies, however, have shown that people  today report their lives as being stressful more than did previous generations.  

We are strongly rooted in a success-as-defined-by-society culture.  We often and routinely do what we believe makes us successful in society's view rather than what makes us happy as individuals. That said, we have a rather perverse view of those who go for the proverbial brass ring.  Years ago, a guy I know who was doing improv in Chicago and otherwise working as a waiter made an interesting observation when I had asked about some celebrities brushing off fans.  His take was that when he told people he was an improv actor they would smirk and otherwise demonstrate to him — if not tell him — that they did not believe he had a snowball's chance in hell of making it.  There was a level of derision.  So, he told me, he could understand the impulse (not that he necessarily would do it) later, if he were fortunate enough to make it big — to be able to support himself working as an actor,  to treat with similar derision those approaching him with celebrity worship in mind.  As he put it, it would be like seeing the same faces that smirked at him before wanting to curry his favor now.  We are a celebrity-oriented society.  If you take the risk and make it, you are lauded, probably far out of proportion  — at least as long as you stay in the limelight and do not otherwise fall from the pedestal. But we do not laud those who take the risks and aspire to be artists or otherwise strive to achieve a dream that may seem unrealistic or impractical  In fact, we tend to pooh-pooh or mock those who insist on venturing down that path. In sum, we condition ourselves not to pursue our dreams or, in some cases, our happiness.  .And we come to regret not having done so. 

Someting like that . . . {#Doh}         
i need a bogle for my glotch.
lily34 Avatar

Location: GTFO

Posted: Aug 13, 2014 - 5:44am

lots resonated with me in what you've said.

especially: there is a deep and dark abyss of all the other things that a life needs that are so obviously vacant I do not know how I am walking around each day without hope, without love, without joy, without excitement, without interest, without purpose.

i am looking forward to some interesting comments (not this, mine) because i have the same questions as you do and would like to hear some thoughts on this that might also help me.