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Looting & vandalism isn't protest - KarmaKarma - Jul 5, 2020 - 7:02am
 
Baseball, anyone? - zevon - Jul 5, 2020 - 6:27am
 
COVID-19 - KarmaKarma - Jul 5, 2020 - 6:26am
 
Things You Thought Today - kcar - Jul 4, 2020 - 10:34pm
 
What Are You Going To Do Today? - KurtfromLaQuinta - Jul 4, 2020 - 10:34pm
 
Strips, cartoons, illustrations - R_P - Jul 4, 2020 - 10:27pm
 
Ask the Libertarian - kcar - Jul 4, 2020 - 9:55pm
 
All Dogs Go To Heaven - Dog Pix - KarmaKarma - Jul 4, 2020 - 9:14pm
 
Trump - R_P - Jul 4, 2020 - 8:44pm
 
Name My Band - Isabeau - Jul 4, 2020 - 8:38pm
 
Gardeners Corner - kcar - Jul 4, 2020 - 7:55pm
 
Dialing 1-800-Manbird - oldviolin - Jul 4, 2020 - 6:40pm
 
YouTube: Music-Videos - Antigone - Jul 4, 2020 - 5:13pm
 
Why are 2 of the best albums of the last decade completel... - Steely_D - Jul 4, 2020 - 5:13pm
 
Movie Quote - kcar - Jul 4, 2020 - 2:51pm
 
Race in America - kcar - Jul 4, 2020 - 2:29pm
 
Mixtape Culture Club - Lazy8 - Jul 4, 2020 - 2:13pm
 
Counting with Pictures - ScottN - Jul 4, 2020 - 12:58pm
 
In My Room - Coaxial - Jul 4, 2020 - 12:26pm
 
Outstanding Covers - Lazy8 - Jul 4, 2020 - 11:05am
 
Radio Paradise Comments - buddy - Jul 4, 2020 - 8:13am
 
RP Daily Trivia Challenge - BlueHeronDruid - Jul 4, 2020 - 12:37am
 
RP stops playing after a few minutes on iPod (iOS) - gtufano - Jul 3, 2020 - 11:33pm
 
New Music - R_P - Jul 3, 2020 - 6:50pm
 
Canada - westslope - Jul 3, 2020 - 3:38pm
 
Country Up The Bumpkin - Antigone - Jul 3, 2020 - 2:39pm
 
how do you feel right now? - miamizsun - Jul 3, 2020 - 1:54pm
 
US Empire - R_P - Jul 3, 2020 - 12:46pm
 
• • • The Once-a-Day • • •  - oldviolin - Jul 3, 2020 - 10:39am
 
• • • PUZZLES • • • - BlueHeronDruid - Jul 3, 2020 - 10:02am
 
Lyrics That Remind You of Someone - buddy - Jul 3, 2020 - 8:48am
 
• • • Things Magicians Exclaim • • •  - oldviolin - Jul 3, 2020 - 8:20am
 
Bluos App and Vault 2 Streamer. Is it playing in Flac? - BillG - Jul 3, 2020 - 8:05am
 
• • • BRING OUT YOUR DEAD • • •  - oldviolin - Jul 3, 2020 - 8:04am
 
::odd but intriguing:: - oldviolin - Jul 3, 2020 - 8:01am
 
Questions. - oldviolin - Jul 3, 2020 - 7:47am
 
• • • Things Musicians Exclaim • • • - - oldviolin - Jul 3, 2020 - 7:46am
 
What the hell OV? - oldviolin - Jul 3, 2020 - 7:43am
 
How are you coping/dealing with the crisis? - kurtster - Jul 3, 2020 - 2:44am
 
Oh, The Stupidity - haresfur - Jul 3, 2020 - 2:40am
 
The Obituary Page - ScottFromWyoming - Jul 2, 2020 - 10:01pm
 
NASA & other news from space - R_P - Jul 2, 2020 - 7:45pm
 
What are you listening to now? - black321 - Jul 2, 2020 - 7:14pm
 
Anti-War - R_P - Jul 2, 2020 - 6:04pm
 
Vinyl for old timer - Steely_D - Jul 2, 2020 - 6:00pm
 
Tech & Science - R_P - Jul 2, 2020 - 5:03pm
 
Now that is a great story! - miamizsun - Jul 2, 2020 - 4:14pm
 
260,000 Posts in one thread? - miamizsun - Jul 2, 2020 - 4:12pm
 
Watch Now ! - miamizsun - Jul 2, 2020 - 4:06pm
 
Automotive Lust - Red_Dragon - Jul 2, 2020 - 1:53pm
 
Less Tori and more anything else ;p - hellojofo - Jul 2, 2020 - 10:13am
 
sonos service - mjvander - Jul 2, 2020 - 8:53am
 
Supreme Court Rulings - Red_Dragon - Jul 2, 2020 - 8:02am
 
Florida - rgio - Jul 2, 2020 - 8:01am
 
Derplahoma Questions and Points of Interest - Isabeau - Jul 2, 2020 - 7:47am
 
Hey Baby, It's The 4th O' July - miamizsun - Jul 2, 2020 - 6:57am
 
Amazon Echo/Alexa stream not working - rochesimpson - Jul 1, 2020 - 3:31pm
 
Official date for our 20th Anniversary? - Windspirit - Jul 1, 2020 - 3:16pm
 
Republican Party - Red_Dragon - Jul 1, 2020 - 11:40am
 
Can't add RP service to Sonos - donot_spam - Jul 1, 2020 - 10:28am
 
Fox Spews - kurtster - Jun 30, 2020 - 9:21pm
 
Vinyl Only Spin List - kurtster - Jun 30, 2020 - 8:47pm
 
Those Lovable Policemen - R_P - Jun 30, 2020 - 8:44pm
 
Capitalism and Consumerism... now what? - haresfur - Jun 30, 2020 - 6:56pm
 
Talk Behind Their Backs Forum - VV - Jun 30, 2020 - 2:24pm
 
Trump Lies - R_P - Jun 30, 2020 - 2:21pm
 
American Justice - cc_rider - Jun 30, 2020 - 1:08pm
 
Live Music - R_P - Jun 30, 2020 - 11:48am
 
More detailed album version tag? - anonym - Jun 30, 2020 - 11:24am
 
Nederland / The Netherlands - theo1 - Jun 30, 2020 - 10:32am
 
What is "Sonos" tracking in web browser - yobyot - Jun 30, 2020 - 7:57am
 
Crazy conspiracy theories - Red_Dragon - Jun 30, 2020 - 5:28am
 
Electronic Music - R_P - Jun 29, 2020 - 8:50pm
 
RightWingNutZ - haresfur - Jun 29, 2020 - 8:24pm
 
China - KarmaKarma - Jun 29, 2020 - 7:10pm
 
Index » Radio Paradise/General » General Discussion » ~ Have a good joke you can post? ~ Page: 1, 2, 3 ... 309, 310, 311  Next
Post to this Topic
whatshisname

whatshisname Avatar

Location: West OZ


Posted: Apr 12, 2020 - 3:42am

Anyone else noticed many bookshops are giving away 2020 diaries for free ?
black321

black321 Avatar

Location: An earth without maps
Gender: Male


Posted: Apr 10, 2020 - 4:47pm

An old engineer’s time is up and he duly reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his file and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place." So the engineer heads back down, checks in at the gates of hell and is let right in. Pretty soon, he gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. Despite the large number of program managers, purchasing agents and financial controllers there - where else can they go? - everything goes smoothly. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a popular man. He settles comfortably back into his old profession - hardly anything has changed from back on earth, except the boss appreciates him now, and the working conditions are better.

One day God calls Satan on the telephone and asks, a little smugly, it must be said, "How are things down there in hell?" Satan replies, "It's going pretty well. We have air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No chance! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs his head off and answers, "Aye, right - and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

Steely_D

Steely_D Avatar

Location: Biscayne Bay
Gender: Male


Posted: Feb 10, 2020 - 10:40pm

I was just at a restaurant the other night. Paid $20K for a tasting menu, and for dessert they had a trained peacock regurgitate directly into my mouth.

It was okay, but frankly I've had $10K meals that tasted just as good.

SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Apr 5, 2019 - 1:10pm

A man gets on the train. He goes to the train conductor and says, "I need to get off in Philadelphia. I am so tired I just know I will fall asleep. Could you please make sure I get off in Philadelphia? Will you wake me up? I haven't slept in 2 days, so I may wake up cranky and give you a hard time, but please PLEASE make sure I get off in Philadelphia. Even if you have to throw me out. Will you do that, please? " The conductor says, "No problem, sir. I'll make sure you get off in Philadelphia."

So the guy wakes up. The train is stopped. He is in New York. He is livid! Furious, he goes after the conductor. It took three guys to hold him off and throw him out the train. A lady who watched the whole thing, turned to the conductor and said, "Boy was that man ever angry". The conductor said, "Ya...well, you should have seen the man we threw off the train in Philadelphia"
SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Mar 1, 2019 - 12:39pm

A Newfie won a fishing boat in a raffle and tows it home. His wife looks at him and says, "What in the name o' Lard Jasus are you gonna do with dat, bye? We lives on a farm. There's nary a bit o' water within 75 miles o' 'ere."

He says, "Don't care. I won 'er and I'm gonna keep 'er."

Several days later the Newfie's brother comes over to visit. He looks out in the field behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a fishing boat in the middle of the field with a fishing rod in his hand.He stands at the edge of the field and yells out to him, "What the frig are you doin'?"

His brother calls back, "I'm fishin'. What the frig does it look like I'ma doin'?"

His brother yells back, "Lard tunderin' my son, it's people like yout hat gives Newfies a bad name, making everyone think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick you in the friggin arse."
pigtail

pigtail Avatar

Location: Southern California
Gender: Female


Posted: Jan 7, 2019 - 9:45am



 KurtfromLaQuinta wrote:
Three women all die in a car crash and go to Heaven on the same day. They are waiting at the pearly gates when St. Peter arrives and greets them.

“Welcome to Heaven, ladies. There is only one rule here in Heaven: don’t step on the ducks.”

The women each look at each other with confusion. St. Peter opens the gate and sure enough, there are thousands of tiny ducks covering the ground.

The first woman goes in and lasts a week before stepping on a duck. St. Peter appears out of nowhere with the ugliest man she has ever seen and handcuffs them together.

He says, “This is your punishment for stepping on a duck. You are now stuck with this man for all eternity,” and disappears.

The second woman lasts for a month before finally stepping on a duck. The same thing happens again. St. Peter arrives with the ugliest man she has ever seen, handcuffs them together, explains what has happened and leaves.

The third woman continues to enjoy Heaven for years and years, never stepping on a duck. Suddenly, St. Peter pops up out of nowhere with the most gorgeous man she has ever seen. He handcuffs them together, and without saying a word, leaves.

The woman looks up at the man, bats her eyelashes and says, “Gee, I wonder what I did to deserve you.”

He slowly looks down at her and says, “I don’t know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.”
 

Funny......LOL
pigtail

pigtail Avatar

Location: Southern California
Gender: Female


Posted: Jan 7, 2019 - 9:43am



 Proclivities wrote:
A friend of mine told me that she had uttered a Freudian slip while having breakfast with her husband one morning.  She meant to say "Pass the salt", but accidentally said "You've ruined my life you f***ing, a$$hole!"
 

LOL
oldviolin

oldviolin Avatar

Location: esse quam videri
Gender: Male


Posted: Jan 7, 2019 - 8:08am

 westslope wrote:
There are two kinds of men in this world.  Those that are pussy-whipped and those that wish they were pussy-whipped.

 
Ugh. It's complicated...
Proclivities

Proclivities Avatar

Location: Paris of the Piedmont
Gender: Male


Posted: Jan 7, 2019 - 8:05am

A friend of mine told me that she had uttered a Freudian slip while having breakfast with her husband one morning.  She meant to say "Pass the salt", but accidentally said "You've ruined my life you f***ing, a$$hole!"
westslope

westslope Avatar

Location: BC sage brush steppe


Posted: Dec 11, 2018 - 1:52pm

There are two kinds of men in this world.  Those that are pussy-whipped and those that wish they were pussy-whipped.
lowelltr

lowelltr Avatar

Location: Cardinal Nation
Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 11, 2018 - 1:46pm

I told my wife she arched her eyebrows too much.

She seemed surprised.
KurtfromLaQuinta

KurtfromLaQuinta Avatar

Location: Really deep in the heart of South California
Gender: Male


Posted: Dec 10, 2018 - 1:11pm

Three women all die in a car crash and go to Heaven on the same day. They are waiting at the pearly gates when St. Peter arrives and greets them.

“Welcome to Heaven, ladies. There is only one rule here in Heaven: don’t step on the ducks.”

The women each look at each other with confusion. St. Peter opens the gate and sure enough, there are thousands of tiny ducks covering the ground.

The first woman goes in and lasts a week before stepping on a duck. St. Peter appears out of nowhere with the ugliest man she has ever seen and handcuffs them together.

He says, “This is your punishment for stepping on a duck. You are now stuck with this man for all eternity,” and disappears.

The second woman lasts for a month before finally stepping on a duck. The same thing happens again. St. Peter arrives with the ugliest man she has ever seen, handcuffs them together, explains what has happened and leaves.

The third woman continues to enjoy Heaven for years and years, never stepping on a duck. Suddenly, St. Peter pops up out of nowhere with the most gorgeous man she has ever seen. He handcuffs them together, and without saying a word, leaves.

The woman looks up at the man, bats her eyelashes and says, “Gee, I wonder what I did to deserve you.”

He slowly looks down at her and says, “I don’t know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.”
SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Sep 22, 2018 - 12:39pm

Q: What did the blonde say when the doctor told her she was pregnant?
A: Is it mine?


SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Sep 15, 2018 - 10:18am

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."
SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Sep 15, 2018 - 10:13am

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
ScottFromWyoming

ScottFromWyoming Avatar

Location: Powell
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 4, 2018 - 12:02am

"A market researcher said 'can I ask you 10 questions', I said 'go on', she said 'question number 1, have you ever had a blackout?' I said 'no', she went…and finally, question number 10."
oldviolin

oldviolin Avatar

Location: esse quam videri
Gender: Male


Posted: Feb 16, 2018 - 8:20pm

 sdwright wrote:
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
Image result for small head large body


 
Goot one
oldviolin

oldviolin Avatar

Location: esse quam videri
Gender: Male


Posted: Feb 16, 2018 - 8:19pm

 sdwright wrote:
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
Image result for small head large body


 
Boot one
SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Feb 16, 2018 - 5:32pm

I came home from the golf course today. The wife had left a note on the refrigerator:

"IT'S NOT WORKING! I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay with my mother."

I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold...

What the hell she talking about?
SeriousLee

SeriousLee Avatar

Location: Dans l'milieu d'deux milles livres


Posted: Jan 14, 2018 - 6:39am

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he's lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."
The man below replies, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."


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