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by Lame Mango Washington (attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin)
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning...."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, " adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places:
a. Ashrams b. gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt b. you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth b. you were once blind but now can see c. the man in Memphis lived. d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Cuba Gooding Jr. cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks b. kosher wine c. Snapple d. sparkling water
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Ashley, Justin, and Cody can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Melon,etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Lame Mango Fillmore, etc.
20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. I don't care.
Caught up in a whirlwind can't catch my breath, knee deep in hot water broke out in a cold sweat Can't catch a turtle in this rat race, feels like I'm losin' time at a breakneck pace
Afraid of my own shadow in the face of grace,heart full of darkness spotlight on my face There was love all around me but I was lookin' for revenge, thank God it never found me would have been the end
I was walkin' the tightrope steppin' on my friends Walkin' the tightrope it was a shame and a sin Walkin' the tightrope between wrong and right Walkin' the tightrope both day and night
Lookin' back in front of me in the mirror's a grin, through eyes of love I see I'm really lookin' at a friend We've all had our problems that's the way life is, my heart goes out to others who are there to make amends
We've been walkin' the tightrope tryin' to make it right Walkin' the tightrope every day and every night Walkin' the tightrope bring it all around Walkin' the tightrope from the lost to found
Walkin' the tightrope stretched around the world Walkin' the tightrope save the boys and girls Walkin' the tightrope let's make it right Walkin' the tightrope do it do it tonight Walkin' the tightrope
It was nice to see Stevie clean before he left this world.
The Worms Crawl In, The Worms Crawl Out, Into your stomach, And out your mouth.
They eat your intestines, They scramble your heart. Now you feel like You're all apart.
This is how It is to die You end up looking Like apple pie!
The worms crawl in and the worms crawl out. The ones that go in are lean and thin. The ones that come out are fat and stout. Your eyes fall in and your teeth fall out. Your brains come tumbling down your snout. They eat your eyes and they eat your nose. They eat the jelly between your toes. Be merry, my friends, be merry.
so we'll see what happens.
