Hairfarmer wrote: 
I've seriously considered asking my GP about what it takes to get a scrip.

Ron White on an Atlanta morning show:

Ron - "Well, I live in California. I'm legal there. I'm a registered medical marijuana patient."
DJ -   "What condition do you have?"
Ron - "I get reeaally depressed...
when I run out of weed."

 smokinsean wrote: 
I've had three doctors tell me I have to quit smoking.  Two of them are dead now, and the third one coughs a lot.

~George Burns

"I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fuckin' mouth."

-Bill hicks

 smokinsean wrote: 

 

 Xeric wrote: 
...an alternate tag line perhaps...

This lawn supervisor was out on a sprinkler maintenance job, when he begins working on a Findlay sprinkler head with a Langstrom seven-inch gangly wrench. Just then the little apprentice leans over and says "you can't work on a findlay sprinkler head with a Langstrom seven-inch wrench!" Well this infuriated the supervisor so he goes and gets Volume 14 of the Kinsley manual. And he reads to him and says "The Langstrom 7" wrench CAN be used with the Findlay sprocket!" Just then the little apprentice leans over and says "It says 'SPROCKET' not 'SOCKET!"




Were those plumbers supposed to be here this show? Or...

 Xeric wrote: 

God, I GET so much more of that album then I did when I was 12.

"...Eve Ardin, arugh breep braugh."

Robin Williams, in a fine Shakespearian howl to hecklers: "Assholes, thou do vex me!"

For some reason, that often comes to mind in traffic. . . . 

She'll be sitting there, and I'll be driving, and she'll be with me. And she'll be making me so wonderfully... beautifully... fucking tense! That after a while, during the drive, you can feel your colon pop out of your ass, come up your back, and start twisting itself into a noose around your throat. Because why would you want to drive alone, like a masterbating loser, when you can have the woman next to you, pointing out shit she thinks you're just about to crash into? And making it all the more likely that you will crash the fucking car? 'Cause she keeps scaring the shit out of you by suddenly and out of nowhere making this noise:
<gasp>

- Richard Jeni

"I read about it in Life, There were kids, nine and ten years old, sniffing aeroplane glue to get high on. These kids are responsible for turning musicians on a lot of things they never kew about man."

- Lenny Bruce

"There's a big difference between a big piece of art with a little shit in the middle and a big piece of shit with a little art in the middle."
- Lenny Bruce

 dionysius wrote: 
bwahahahaha

Patton Oswalt, about two years ago, here in Asheville:

"I hate Hippies! - slams mic stand down on stage for emphasis and accidentally breaks the mic stand -
"Damn! Sorry about your mic stand Jolli Rouge" (the club's name)

- holds up broken stand and yells towards Brian Poeshan(sp?) sitting at the bar -

"Hey Brian, look! I made my 'bend bars/lift gates' roll!"

- heavy laughter from only the 8 guys who get the reference (I actually guffawed) -

"Wow! you got that? Hey Brian! I outed the D&D geeks!"

Angry Heckler: "I'm a Christian, and I don't like what you just said."

Bill Hicks: "So forgive me."

 Rod wrote: 
Yeah, his delivery and the fact that he talks about the most random stuff made him brilliant.  It's sad that he departed during the height of his career. 

 phineas wrote: 
My pleaasure!
Kysmet, the donut thing is also my favorite!

 Rod wrote: 
Very funny! Thanks!

Hal Roache.   (Irish Comic)

Live each day as if it's your last.





..one day you'll be right.

How funny...came here to post my favorite Mitch Hedberg joke and you guys have posted a bunch of 'em!  Here's my fave..

“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".'”