[ ]   [ ]   [ ]                        [ ]      [ ]   [ ]

The Obituary Page - ScottFromWyoming - Mar 28, 2024 - 11:31am
 
Talk Behind Their Backs Forum - VV - Mar 28, 2024 - 11:27am
 
March 2024 Photo Theme - Many - NoEnzLefttoSplit - Mar 28, 2024 - 11:07am
 
Wordle - daily game - rgio - Mar 28, 2024 - 11:00am
 
Baseball, anyone? - zevon - Mar 28, 2024 - 10:02am
 
Ukraine - Beaker - Mar 28, 2024 - 9:41am
 
Breaking News - Steely_D - Mar 28, 2024 - 9:39am
 
Bug Reports & Feature Requests - Beaker - Mar 28, 2024 - 9:30am
 
NY Times Strands - geoff_morphini - Mar 28, 2024 - 8:37am
 
NYTimes Connections - geoff_morphini - Mar 28, 2024 - 8:29am
 
Radio Paradise Comments - pilgrim - Mar 28, 2024 - 8:19am
 
Business as Usual - black321 - Mar 28, 2024 - 8:09am
 
• • • The Once-a-Day • • •  - black321 - Mar 28, 2024 - 7:44am
 
Trump - rgio - Mar 28, 2024 - 7:29am
 
Outstanding Covers - thisbody - Mar 28, 2024 - 5:51am
 
Today in History - DaveInSaoMiguel - Mar 28, 2024 - 4:28am
 
USA! USA! USA! - R_P - Mar 27, 2024 - 7:40pm
 
Little known information...maybe even facts - haresfur - Mar 27, 2024 - 6:21pm
 
Live Music - oldviolin - Mar 27, 2024 - 5:08pm
 
RightWingNutZ - R_P - Mar 27, 2024 - 3:48pm
 
Lyrics that strike a chord today... - miamizsun - Mar 27, 2024 - 2:44pm
 
Please Don't Post Here - Red_Dragon - Mar 27, 2024 - 11:02am
 
Motivational Office Cliches... - NoEnzLefttoSplit - Mar 26, 2024 - 10:20pm
 
(Big) Media Watch - Red_Dragon - Mar 26, 2024 - 6:18pm
 
YouTube: Music-Videos - miamizsun - Mar 26, 2024 - 4:10pm
 
Israel - R_P - Mar 26, 2024 - 12:24pm
 
Photos you have taken of your walks or hikes. - Steely_D - Mar 26, 2024 - 12:04pm
 
Solar / Wind / Geothermal / Efficiency Energy - islander - Mar 26, 2024 - 8:00am
 
Is there any DOG news out there? - Beez - Mar 26, 2024 - 7:24am
 
Food - Steely_D - Mar 26, 2024 - 1:41am
 
Vinyl Only Spin List - kurtster - Mar 25, 2024 - 6:56pm
 
Derplahoma! - Red_Dragon - Mar 25, 2024 - 3:48pm
 
Frequent drop outs (The Netherlands) - kingen - Mar 25, 2024 - 2:43pm
 
China - R_P - Mar 25, 2024 - 11:59am
 
Musky Mythology - R_P - Mar 25, 2024 - 11:20am
 
Play history seems to indicate that I"m streaming 24/7, b... - jarro - Mar 25, 2024 - 10:44am
 
April 8th Partial Solar Eclipse - Coaxial - Mar 24, 2024 - 6:22pm
 
New Music - KurtfromLaQuinta - Mar 24, 2024 - 5:07pm
 
Dental Floss Tycoons, and other Montana Myths, Facts, and... - Red_Dragon - Mar 24, 2024 - 12:32pm
 
Orbiting Earth - oldviolin - Mar 24, 2024 - 9:42am
 
Basketball - oldviolin - Mar 23, 2024 - 2:50pm
 
What Makes You Laugh? - ScottFromWyoming - Mar 23, 2024 - 1:54pm
 
Joe Biden - kurtster - Mar 23, 2024 - 11:17am
 
Technical Streaming Note for Nerdy RP DIYers - sjagminas1 - Mar 23, 2024 - 10:16am
 
Museum Of Bad Album Covers - Proclivities - Mar 23, 2024 - 8:56am
 
Other Medical Stuff - Antigone - Mar 22, 2024 - 3:06pm
 
Country Up The Bumpkin - oldviolin - Mar 22, 2024 - 11:06am
 
Pernicious Pious Proclivities Particularized Prodigiously - Red_Dragon - Mar 22, 2024 - 9:17am
 
Memorials - Remembering Our Loved Ones - Bill_J - Mar 21, 2024 - 8:54pm
 
Can you afford to retire? - DaveInSaoMiguel - Mar 21, 2024 - 2:15pm
 
Mixtape Culture Club - KurtfromLaQuinta - Mar 21, 2024 - 11:10am
 
What Did You See Today? - KurtfromLaQuinta - Mar 20, 2024 - 5:13pm
 
Annoying stuff. not things that piss you off, just annoyi... - ScottFromWyoming - Mar 20, 2024 - 4:31pm
 
Upcoming concerts or shows you can't wait to see - Antigone - Mar 20, 2024 - 3:10pm
 
Russia - NoEnzLefttoSplit - Mar 20, 2024 - 11:44am
 
Photography Forum - Your Own Photos - Proclivities - Mar 20, 2024 - 9:33am
 
2024 Elections! - Lazy8 - Mar 20, 2024 - 7:26am
 
Economix - R_P - Mar 19, 2024 - 4:36pm
 
Name My Band - DaveInSaoMiguel - Mar 19, 2024 - 10:53am
 
RP automation with iOS Shortcuts App - jarro - Mar 19, 2024 - 10:15am
 
Delicacies: a..k.a.. the Gross Food forum - DaveInSaoMiguel - Mar 19, 2024 - 10:12am
 
Irony 101 - Proclivities - Mar 19, 2024 - 6:02am
 
New Forum Member on "What Makes RP Great" - miamizsun - Mar 19, 2024 - 4:38am
 
Cache stopped working on old Android Phone - Eisenwindel - Mar 19, 2024 - 1:50am
 
Cryptic Posts - Leave Them Guessing - Bill_J - Mar 18, 2024 - 8:23pm
 
Damn Dinosaurs! - oldviolin - Mar 18, 2024 - 8:16pm
 
One Partying State - Wyoming News - geoff_morphini - Mar 18, 2024 - 3:58pm
 
Great guitar faces - skyguy - Mar 18, 2024 - 3:33pm
 
Despots, dictators and war criminals - R_P - Mar 18, 2024 - 12:41pm
 
Uploading Music - dischuckin - Mar 18, 2024 - 11:55am
 
Media Matters - thisbody - Mar 18, 2024 - 10:03am
 
NASA & other news from space - miamizsun - Mar 18, 2024 - 4:13am
 
MEALTICKET - drinpt - Mar 17, 2024 - 4:13am
 
What makes you smile? - Steely_D - Mar 16, 2024 - 7:31pm
 
Apple Computer - GeneP59 - Mar 16, 2024 - 12:02pm
 
Index » Radio Paradise/General » General Discussion » ~ Have a good joke you can post? ~ Page: 1, 2, 3 ... 311, 312, 313  Next
Post to this Topic
black321

black321 Avatar

Location: An earth without maps
Gender: Male


Posted: Mar 7, 2024 - 12:17pm

A child asked his father, “what’s a democrat?”

The father replied, “someone who wants everything you have, except your job!”
DaveInSaoMiguel

DaveInSaoMiguel Avatar

Location: No longer in a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA
Gender: Male


Posted: Sep 18, 2023 - 2:21pm

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

BOAT OWNER: "Well, there's Clarence, my deck hand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen beers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."

IRS AUDITOR: "That's The guy I'm here to talk to, the mentally challenged one."

BOAT OWNER: "That would be me. What would you like to know?"



Steely_D

Steely_D Avatar

Location: Biscayne Bay
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 31, 2023 - 6:23pm

 thisbody wrote:

After numerous rounds of, “We don’t know if Osama is still alive,” Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Kennedy opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message, 370HSSV-0773H. Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. Noone could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply, “Tell Kennedy he’s holding the message upside down.”



Osama, Ted Kennedy, and Peter Noone? I'm lost. 

thisbody

thisbody Avatar

Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 31, 2023 - 3:06pm

After numerous rounds of, “We don’t know if Osama is still alive,” Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Kennedy opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message, 370HSSV-0773H. Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. Noone could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply, “Tell Kennedy he’s holding the message upside down.”
lily34

lily34 Avatar

Location: GTFO
Gender: Female


Posted: Jul 31, 2023 - 12:59pm

 Bill_J wrote:

My wife called out from the bedroom asking, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone has a voodoo doll of you and is stabbing at it?"
I replied, No."
After a short pause she then asked, "How about now?"





Bill_J

Bill_J Avatar



Posted: Jul 31, 2023 - 12:39pm

My wife called out from the bedroom asking, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone has a voodoo doll of you and is stabbing at it?"
I replied, No."
After a short pause she then asked, "How about now?"
lily34

lily34 Avatar

Location: GTFO
Gender: Female


Posted: Jul 31, 2023 - 11:58am

 thisbody wrote:

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?” The dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your mother, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.” The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.” The little boy replies, “Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit.”




  
thisbody

thisbody Avatar

Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 31, 2023 - 11:53am

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?” The dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your mother, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.” The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.” The little boy replies, “Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit.”
Steely_D

Steely_D Avatar

Location: Biscayne Bay
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 30, 2023 - 2:08pm

 oldviolin wrote:



We used to have his records at home before he became a bumpkin Graham Kerr. He was originally doing safety lectures at the refinery, and found that they'd listen to him when he did the funny character. Eventually, a legendary stand up. Then, in his old age, a PBS chef. 
His albums were mandatory at many a drunken parents' party. 

oldviolin

oldviolin Avatar

Location: esse quam videri
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 30, 2023 - 9:15am


thisbody

thisbody Avatar

Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 30, 2023 - 7:58am

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?” Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.”
Bill_J

Bill_J Avatar



Posted: Jul 29, 2023 - 5:33pm

 Manbird wrote:

Hello darkness my old friend...



I stood up too fast again



And my vision's slowly fading
and other senses are degrading...
Manbird

Manbird Avatar

Location: ? ? ?
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 29, 2023 - 4:03pm

Hello darkness my old friend...



I stood up too fast again
DaveInSaoMiguel

DaveInSaoMiguel Avatar

Location: No longer in a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 29, 2023 - 11:30am

An oldie but a goodie...

Jim Mooney had been retired for a few years when suddenly he received a summons one day from the IRS. He’s been selected randomly for a tax audit, so he decides it might be wise if he takes his attorney with him.

Unsurprised by the attorney’s presence, the IRS auditor explains the procedure and then says to Jim, “Mr Mooney, we have been reviewing your affairs and it appears that you have an extravagant lifestyle and yet you’re not in full-time employment nor do you have any other obvious sources of income. You’ve explained this by saying that you win money gambling. Well, sir, I have to tell you, the IRS doesn’t believe that’s a credible explanation.”

“Well I am a skilled gambler,” says Jim, “and I can prove it to you if you’re willing to participate in a wager with me.”

The IRS auditor considers this proposition momentarily and then says, “Yes, I’m willing to give that a try, so go ahead.”

Right,” says Jim, “I’ll bet you one thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.” The IRS auditor considers this carefully and decides that it’s impossible.

“OK then Mr Mooney,” he says, “You have a bet.”

At this point, and to the IRS auditor’s great surprise, Jim removes his glass eye and then bites it. The auditor sits there in stunned silence, Jim then says, “I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

Mr Mooney isn’t blind, so he can’t have another glass eye, thinks the auditor. That’s got to be impossible, surely? So, the auditor accepts the bet.

So, Jim removes his dentures and then bites his good eye. The auditor is stunned, once again, as he now realizes he’s lost three grand and Jim has his attorney as a witness. Naturally, the auditor is starting to get a little nervous.

“Want to go again?” asks Jim.. “What do you have in mind now?” asks the auditor. Jim smiles and says, “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on this side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket next to your chair, without a single drop going anywhere in between.”

The auditor, realizing now that he’s dealing with a wily old fox, is feeling very cautious. However he thinks carefully about the proposition and he decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees.

Jim stands in front of the desk, lowers his zipper, and strains mightily but the trajectory of his pee fails to reach the wastebasket and splashes all over the auditor’s desk. The auditor is both ecstatic and relieved. He’s just turned a major loss into a huge win for him.

However, Jim’s attorney in obvious pain puts his head in his hands face-down on the auditor’s desk.

“What’s the matter?” asked the auditor. “When my client asked me to attend this audit today,” the attorney responded, “he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
Steely_D

Steely_D Avatar

Location: Biscayne Bay
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 28, 2023 - 6:32pm

 Bill_J wrote:
That was horrible. IMHO.

Yep. Not sure what was "funny" about it. Of course, don't know if mine was any better...

Bill_J

Bill_J Avatar



Posted: Jul 28, 2023 - 5:43pm

 thisbody wrote:
An old joke, befitting a sense of oneself, often portrayed in public:

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying “Hello.”
I politely said, “This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?”
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear “Get the right f***ing number!” and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘‘wrong’’ number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled “You’re an asshole!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘‘asshole’’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’'re an asshole!” It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘‘asshole’’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?”

He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an asshole!” and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’'d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
He said, “Yes, it is.” I asked, “Can you tell me where I can see it?”

He said, “Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It’s a yellow rambler, and the car’s parked right out in front.”
I asked, “What’'s your name?”
He said, “My name is Don Hansen,”
I asked, “When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”
He said, “I’'m home every evening after five.”
I said, “Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”
He said, “Yes?”
I said, “Don, you’re an asshole!”

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole 1.
He said, “Hello.”
I said, “You’re an asshole!” (But I didn’'t hang up.)
He asked, “Are you still there?”
I said, “Yeah,”
He screamed, “Stop calling me,”
I said, “Make me,”
He asked, “Who are you?”
I said, “My name is Don Hansen.”
He said, “Yeah? Where do you live?”

I said, “Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.”
He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”
I said, “Yeah, like I’'m really scared, asshole,” and hung up.
Then I called Asshole no. 2.
He said, “Hello?”
I said, “Hello, asshole,”
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…”
I said, “You’ll what?”
He exclaimed, “I’ll kick your ass,” I answered, “Well, asshole, here’‘s your chance. I’'m coming over right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work!


That was horrible. IMHO.
Steely_D

Steely_D Avatar

Location: Biscayne Bay
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 28, 2023 - 5:06pm

A few weeks after drummer and noted jerkface Buddy Rich died, the phone rings at his house. His widow answers.
"Hello, is Buddy there?"
"Buddy Rich is dead."
"Oh." click.

a few days later the phone rings.
"Hello, is Buddy there?"
"Buddy Rich is dead."
"Oh." click.

a few days later, the phone rings and she picks it up again.
"Hello, is Buddy there?"
"I told you, Buddy Rich is dead. Why do you keep calling me?"
"I just like to hear it."


thisbody

thisbody Avatar

Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 28, 2023 - 3:50pm

An old joke, befitting a sense of oneself, often portrayed in public:

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying “Hello.”
I politely said, “This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?”
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear “Get the right f***ing number!” and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘‘wrong’’ number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled “You’re an asshole!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘‘asshole’’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’'re an asshole!” It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘‘asshole’’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?”

He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an asshole!” and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’'d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
He said, “Yes, it is.” I asked, “Can you tell me where I can see it?”

He said, “Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It’s a yellow rambler, and the car’s parked right out in front.”
I asked, “What’'s your name?”
He said, “My name is Don Hansen,”
I asked, “When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”
He said, “I’'m home every evening after five.”
I said, “Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”
He said, “Yes?”
I said, “Don, you’re an asshole!”

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole 1.
He said, “Hello.”
I said, “You’re an asshole!” (But I didn’'t hang up.)
He asked, “Are you still there?”
I said, “Yeah,”
He screamed, “Stop calling me,”
I said, “Make me,”
He asked, “Who are you?”
I said, “My name is Don Hansen.”
He said, “Yeah? Where do you live?”

I said, “Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.”
He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”
I said, “Yeah, like I’'m really scared, asshole,” and hung up.
Then I called Asshole no. 2.
He said, “Hello?”
I said, “Hello, asshole,”
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…”
I said, “You’ll what?”
He exclaimed, “I’ll kick your ass,” I answered, “Well, asshole, here’‘s your chance. I’'m coming over right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work!
DaveInSaoMiguel

DaveInSaoMiguel Avatar

Location: No longer in a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 28, 2023 - 9:07am

Mommy! Mommy! Billy threw up and Suzy's getting the big pieces!
thisbody

thisbody Avatar

Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 28, 2023 - 9:01am

A Christian guy named Bill saw an ad online for a Christian horse, so he went to check it out. The horse’s owner said, “It’s easy to ride him. Just say ‘Praise the Lord!’ to make him go and ‘Amen!’ to make him stop.” Bill got on the horse and said, “Praise the Lord!” Sure enough, the horse started to walk. “Praise the Lord!” he said again, and the horse began to trot. “Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!” he yelled, and the horse broke into a gallop. Bill was enjoying his ride so much that he almost didn’t notice the cliff he and the horse were about to go over. Bill shouted “AMEN!” at the top of his lungs, and the horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff. Relieved, Bill said, “Phew! Praise the Lord!”
Page: 1, 2, 3 ... 311, 312, 313  Next